UCPD Seeks Budget Approval For Meddling Kids and Dumb Dog

By Natalie Friedberg

March 1, 2015

Last Tuesday, Marlon C. Lynch, UCPD Chief and Associate Vice President for Safety, Security and Civic Affairs, submitted a request for a $1,000,000 budget increase in order to cope with the UCPD’s latest existential threat, “a bunch of meddling kids and that stupid, stupid dog.”

The funds would be put towards the creation of a crack team of special ops forces to track down groups of socially eclectic high school students interested in the criminal justice system, provided they travel with one or more inexplicably mutated talking dogs.

“Seriously, what do any of these kids have in common? How can Shaggy be so skinny when he eats so much? What kind of a name is Shaggy, even? Why do all of the villains they catch have eerily realistic masks? These kids pose a terrifying threat to our world order and they must be terminated at all costs,” said forensic expert and astrologer Archie Wheeler.

According to the UCPD, the group of meddling kids, known as Mystery, Inc., is most dangerous when it utilizes its trademark tactic: splitting up and looking for clues.

“The UCPD is conducting a thorough investigation of the slime monster seen in the basement of Ida Noyes, as well as the pirate zombies at the Point. We do NOT, I repeat, do NOT require investigative assistance from any goddamn teenagers in any goddamn flowery hippie van!” Lynch said.