I Ate Mascara For Six Days and It Made Me Very Sick

By Morgan Pantuck

April 23, 2015

I’ll be honest—I’ve never really been a “girly girl.” When other teens were figuring out high heels and accessories, I was belching loudly and watching NASCAR. Actually, that was my uncle. But you get the point. I’m a little clueless when it comes to the more feminine things in life, especially make-up. That’s why I promised myself I’d dedicate a whole week to practicing how to use all types of cosmetics. Unfortunately, after six days of eating mascara, I became very ill and had to stop.

Why did this only happen to me? Other girls seem to consume tons of mascara for days on end without getting sick. Maybe they’ve built up a tolerance over the years, and it’s too late for me now. Maybe I bought the wrong brand. Maybe they only licked the bristles instead of eating the entire applicator. There’s really no way to tell.

Knowing that I can only eat mascara for six days at a stretch is a little disheartening. It makes me feel less womanly and very nauseated. Part of me is afraid I’ll never find a good husband unless I force myself to ingest a much greater quantity of beauty products. My friend Ingrid says her boyfriend makes gagging noises for at least an hour when she takes her make-up off, and I’m relatively afraid of that kind of rejection.

On the other hand, I can’t change who I am. Maybe it’s time to say, “Hello, world! I’m Morgan, and I cannot eat a tube of mascara without vomiting! I’m proud of my inferior intestinal lining and I don’t need your approval to feel attractive.” Not that I’m shaming women who do eat mascara—they can do whatever they want with their mysteriously tough innards. I just think we’ll all live in a better world when women don’t feel pressured to smother turkey sandwiches in this gross black wax instead of mayonnaise just because society tells them to. Thank you for listening.