Horoscopes

By Zelda

April 27, 2015

Aquarium: Your soul mate was born today. Pervert.

Pieces: Turn left in 0.5 miles. Your destination will be on the right. Keep an eye out for stop signs, pedestrians, red lights, green lights, and yellow lights.

Virgin: No changes here.

Lymphoma: Wait, nobody told you? Shit, man. You don’t want to know.

Subreddit: This isn’t a good day to start anything new. But that’s what you always tell yourself, isn’t it? Be careful about voicing your opinions or the NSA might hear you and kidnap your family.

Candy Corn: If you wear baggy shorts, maybe nobody will notice.

Brian: Do not remove plastic wrapping. Microwave for four minutes.

Zodiac: You’ll feel reservedly outgoing today. This is a good weekend to assassinate Putin, but stay cautious, because Mercury is in a superposition of retrograde and non-retrograde.

Librarian: You will shake your hair out from your bun a million times. True love comes but once.

Tautomer: A loved one is thinking about you. They want to pop the zit on your face. It’s driving them crazy. Hold still for like two seconds.

Jazzercise: You! Might! Die!

If your birthday is today: Happy Birthday.