10 Republicans You Didn’t Realize are Still Running for President

By Chase Harrison

Nov. 9, 2015

1. Bobby Jindal

Jindal’s intense fiscal conservatism has not sparked Republican voters interest. Despite strong statements on immigration, Jindal remains a non-factor in the race.

2. “Papa” John Schnatter

Papa John was one of the most vocal critics of Obamacare. He has been running for President but hasn’t reached the success level of previous pizza man candidate Herman Cain.

3. George Pataki

Despite a stellar record as a 3– term governor of New York, Pataki still has less name recognition than Helga Pataki, the beloved Hey Arnold! character.

4. Rick Perry

Rick Perry formally announced the end of his bid for his Presidency but can’t figure out how to actually exit the race. There are so many forms and it’s all very confusing for poor Rick.

5. Lincoln Chafee

After dropping out of the Democratic race for President, Lincoln Chafee pulled a “Lincoln Chafee” and switched parties again. Despite being the party of Lincoln, Republicans aren’t feeling the chafe 🙁

6. A Fetus

A pro-life group entered the fetus as a candidate to further prove that fetuses are people. The candidacy fell apart once the baby was born and the party lost interest in it.

7. Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann actually never stopped running for President in 2012. Her candidacy simply has carried over into 2016.

8. Mo’Nique

Despite winning the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her riveting performance in the classic “Precious,” work in Hollywood has been sparse for Mo’Nique. She’s been running for President to bide her time.

9. Donald Tramp

This porn star’s slogan “Make America Masterbate Again” has surprisingly not helped earn him a spot on the GOP mainstage debates.

10. Rick Santorum

The winner of the 2012 Iowa Caucus has struggled to revive the strength of his previous presidential run. Santorum must do something soon to differentiate himself from a diverse field of candidates.