Tips to Spice Up Your Platonic Friend’s Sex Life

By Ryan Fleishman

Jan. 4, 2016

Stock up on fun condoms. Your friend will appreciate the special twist on their sex life when you surprise them with a Trojan Fire & Ice Ultra-Thin condom to use for consensual sex with people who are not you.

Making an amateur pornography video can be incredibly erotic, but hard to execute by yourself. Help your friend out by filming their sexual escapades for them.

Kinky activities and S&M are a godsend to a couple’s boring sex life, but remembering safe-words is always a hassle. Instead you should become the referee of your friend’s sex, calling a personal foul whenever one side is uncomfortable or an offsides when Johnny finishes before Maria. Field Goal!

Sensuously strip both your plutonic friends’ clothing off during foreplay to make them go wild.

Your plutonic friend and roommate might say that you are “sexiled”, but what he actually means is “I need your help to bring my sex to the next level.”

Ask Ryan Fleishman for help. I hear he is a stud.

If you know your friend is getting laid tonight, do not let him eat Taco Bell or McDonalds. Unless they are into that sort of thing, in which case go for the gold/brown.

Sometimes, sex is hard. And not just the penis, zing! Anyways, make your friend’s lives easier by guiding him in a la flight controller.

Before your friend has sex, tell them “you cannot have sex.” When they do eventually have sex, denying your command will give them a rebellious thrill.

Draw a penis and vagina on a post-it note and leave it on your friend’s bed, in case they forget what they are doing. To spice this up, use exclamation points in the drawing!!!

Scientists have concluded that Skrillex, namely his hit song Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites, is the optimal song to have sex to. Buy a speaker and place it your friends room, then watch the magic flow.

Teaching these methods is easier in person. How about you bring a sexual partner to my house, where I can amiably show you a world of pleasure?