Letter to the Editor

By John F. Kennedy, April 5, 1962

Jan. 18, 2016

To my dear, sweet beloved,

Throughout my short presidency, I have been no stranger to clandestine affairs, from the espionage of the Cuban Missile Crisis to keeping up the appearance of liking LBJ every day. However, as I was gelling up my hair this fine morning, I came upon the realization that my favorite clandestine affair has been with you, Marilyn.

After I beat Richard Nixon in the presidential election, I’ll never forget when you toldasked me, “He won’t be the only one known as ‘tricky dick’ after tonight” in our hotel room. There was that minor blip of Nixon’s goons trying to break into our hotel to get dirt on us, but that seemed like an isolated incident. Otherwise, I was happy to party with you as if it were ‘69, and I can’t wait until we celebrate my future reelection in a similar manner.

Later, in my inaugural address, I did my best to hint to our affair in what sounded like my trademark lofty language. My saying “those who foolishly sought power by riding the back of the tiger ended up inside” was interpreted as some weird metaphor for how weak countries shouldn’t ally themselves with dictatorial powers or else they’ll get swallowed up by them, but those observers couldn’t be more wrong. If the scratches in my back are any indication, you’re definitely the tiger.

Lastly, often in my presidency, I find a world fraught with tension. But, after a long day of having to deal with LBJ, it’s comforting to know I can go to the Oval Office for an L and a BJ. You’ll be my M&M, and I can be your JFBae. In conclusion, I choose to do you not because it is easy, but because I am hard.

P.S. Don’t tell JFK Jr. who his real mommy is.

Signed,

President John F. Kennedy.