You Really Fucked Up This Time, Seward

By Chase Harrison, 1867

Jan. 22, 2016

I’ve seen a lot of follies on my time on this planet, but this is the folly to end all follies. What in God’s name were you thinking when you purchased a barren tundra, known as Alaska, from the Russians, Seward?

Look, I get it. The Civil War made us all a bit crazy inside. But Alaska? That godless icebox filled with nothing but glaciers and bears?! What could we possibly do with that?!? I nary see an era where any of our citizens will venture through Canada to reside in that frosty abyss. I doubt even gold could coax them into its chilly embrace.

It was probably those dastardly Tsarists wasn’t it? Those tricky Russian bastards! They have been so fearful ever since their pitiful performance in the Crimean War. Always whining that Britain will attack their fragile empire! Well call me a true American, but I think Russia should just attack Britain already! Instead, we are now stuck with their Siberian Snowglobe! Why? So we can sit on our porch and monitor them? Bah!

To be frank, Seward, if you love your silly Polar Bear Garden so much, maybe you should just live there! Try enjoying yourself when you exist in perpetual winter! Soon you will understand that even 2 cents an acre is too much to pay for a mere blanket of permafrost.

Manifest destiny be damned: God never wanted wanted us to even touch that Hyperborean Hell. So, enjoy your silly Alaska Seward, but know, America will never forgive you for this abuse of government power. Your folly will be forever remembered.