Letter to the Editor Re: R.M.S Titanic

By Mildred Prossmith, 1912

Jan. 22, 2016

Dear Esteemed “Chicago Shady Dealer,”

I’m writing to you as a concerned citizen who has been repeatedly turned away from The Chicago Tribune and The New York Times or as some have insisted, “banned from writing.” I just received word that a very big boat is scheduled to set sail tomorrow! This sick joke of a watercraft is called the “Titanic,” and I’m gravely concerned about it. I’m writing to encourage all readers to keep their distance.

Now, I’m not just some superstitious old fogey who thinks all naval vessels are doomed. No, I’m aware that this one is too big to fail. I know there’s science behind it and I’m certain that all the passengers on the RMS Titanic will be “safe,” but I fear there could be some other terrible consequences on this luxurious liner that no one is talking about. And no, I’m not a coward. I’m not scared of being seasick, or seeing a shark, or that the ship will sink because it hits a large iceberg and half the passengers drown or freeze in the water, no, that would be absurd. I just have some realistic concerns.

What if the food isn’t good? You can’t just waltz onto a gigantic swaying kayak with two thousand strangers and expect top-quality produce. I’m guessing half their food isn’t even local and I can’t trust these yachtsman-types to have hired the best chefs available. And again, because of the endless rocking, someone’s bound to start throwing up.

Can we talk linens? I just know there are gonna be bedbugs. If one person brings bedbugs on this glorified canoe, everyone gets bedbugs. And do we know anything about the interior designer? What if the décor is tacky? Like, what if above the beds there are framed paintings of serene oceans or sailboats or something? That’s clichéd and tired.

I’ll be blunt with you, and I’m nervous about sharing this part with such a widespread publication because I worry readers won’t take it seriously. But I’ve known for some time now that I have what can only be called psychic powers. I’m a visionary. And all I know is that last night I dreamt something terrible that heralds horrific things about this banana boat. In my dream, there were parrots, and we all know what that means: pirates. I can say with absolute certainty that the HMS Titanic is going to first crash into a pirate ship and then be forced into pirate battle.

In simplest terms, I know many of you want to get from England to America quickly and in style, but please, for your sake, just take the train.

Sincerely,

Mildred Prossmith

Concerned mother, loyal reader, and psychic