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May 13, 2016
Today at around 5PM CST Second Year Economics Major Kenneth Moore was seen overtly lying about his marketability and desirability in the A level of the Regenstein Library. According to several sources, this kid straight up said that he could have “totally gotten that internship at Goldman. I just didn’t apply.” The second year in question after this just continued to dig a deeper hole for himself claiming that he would have “totally copped it, bro. Finance is my life.”
Upon a close investigation, there is no way that Kenneth could have indeed “totally copped it” due to his academic record. He’s not ayour typical, type-A, Handshake obsessed Econ major. Reports confirm he is not even a part of The Blue Chips, UChicago’s premier investment group. Additionally, his academic record is not nearly what a normal Goldman intern applicant would even dare applying with. According to his most recent transcript, Mr. Moore has a 2.85 GPA, despite taking mostly easy classes, including a B- for two quarters of Reading Cultures—READING CULTURES!Media Aesthetics—MEDIA AESTHETICS GODDAMN IT.
These claims are especially heinous because, while finance may be his life, it is onlyjust because he is so boring and average otherwise. The Shady Dealer reached out to his friend Mitchell Bauer to learn more about Kenneth’s life. According to Bauer, Kenneth, “is a pretty cool dude.” He is really into music, “mostly like Kanye and Drake, some Mumford and Sons.” He’s a “big fan of The Big Lebowski” and Pulp Fiction.” “He,” as Mitchell states, “is a stylish guy, loves his salmon shorts. His gingham shirts from J.Crew are on point. And yeah, he really kills it at Call of Duty.” Clearly, a total narcly nark.
When confronting Kenneth about the audacity to make such a claim and on how even gained admittance into the University, he shrugged. “Idk bro, but like my dad went here and works at Goldman. So like maybe that has something to do with it?”.
