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May 14, 2016
After a 5-year-long struggle against prostate cancer, University of Chicago hieroglyphics expert Canute Erickson finally overcame his often lethal illness. However, he wasgot hit by a red PT Cruiser while leaving the hospital and died. Erickson’s death has left his friends, family, and colleagues feeling lost and confused, primarily because he wrote his entire will in hieroglyphics.
“Now that Canute is gone, I just don’t know what to do with myself or with Canute’s corporeal possessions,” said his brother Leif, who may or may not have inherited some of Canute’s belongings. “I assume that Canute wanted me to take care of his dog, but there is a squiggly line with a triangle in the middle next to a dog picture and I don’t know what that means.”
“Actually, the dog picture looks like a camel. Canute didn’t own a camel, did he?” added Leif.
Much of the confusion over will stems from the fact that no one can tell the difference between hieroglyphs of people. Erickson seemed to have drawn multiple pictures of women in his will, but he was single at the time of his death and nobody knows who these pictures are referring to. The general consensus of readers is that he either wants to give his armoire to Becky in the Physics department or is telling Leif to delete the porn off his computer.
“I always knew Canute was a dickwad, but I never thought he was this large a dickwad,” said fellow University of Chicago hieroglyphics researcher Esther Collins, who also may or may not have inherited some of Canute’s rustic cabin on Lake Champlain.belongings. “I’d help people decipher the will, but I feel that Canute wouldn’t want me to. Also, I find this whole situation hilarious.”
At press time, lawyers have found an addendum to the will in English saying “At least I didn’t use Cuneiform.”
