Help! The Moldy Banana I Accidentally Left in Storage Has Achieved Sentience
By Jacob Johnson
July 23, 2016
Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent whiff of something organic you’ve unintentionally left incubating in there all this time. Whoops! Here’s an in-depth guide on what to do if the banana you left alone for months has somehow managed to attain consciousness.
If your former midday-snack from the dining hall has been miraculously transformed into a gray pile of mush that repeatedly attempts to communicate with you telepathically, chances are it’s been exposed to Mucorales Illustratum, a rare kind of mold that appears to prefer the damp, economically uncertain climate of college storage rooms. When this happened, a kind of symbiotic fusion occurred, in which fruit and fungus merged to become a higher life-form, with a definite degree of self awareness. No doubt, your former banana will have a lot of questions for you. Here are some sample answers to the most frequently-asked questions I have received over the past few years:
A: Great question! You are a pile of decomposing banana mush that has, against all odds, somehow become sentient. Congratulations!
2. Q: What is my purpose in life?
A: Wow, another excellent inquiry! Right now, you’re on a backwater planet orbiting a completely ordinary star in the middle of galactic suburbia, so your purpose can be pretty much whatever you want. Nobody cares!
3. Q: Is love real?
A: Eh… probably not.
With that out of the way, it’s time to start planning the demise of your telepathic moldy banana mush. While it may be easy
As you may have guessed, telepathic banana mush can be pretty hard to kill. Just scooping it up and throwing it in the garbage will only piss it off, which runs the risk of it mind-controlling your friends and making them pledge allegiance to the almighty “Banana Lord
