FDA Approves Fuckboy Cones

By Morgan Pantuck

Nov. 14, 2016

In a stunning announcement earlier this week, US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a New Technology Application for the controversial “Fuckboy Cones” patented by Merck & Co., according to a company news release. The opaque plastic cones, which fit snuggly around the neck, are designed to mitigate the uncontrollable sexual impulses of adult men ages 18-99 by preventing them from interacting with women in public places.

“Harassment of women has been a significant public health issue for years,” explains Merck CEO Patricia Bennett, “but many of us at Merck were operating under the assumption that men were physically able to control their behavior and were simply choosing not to.”

“Imagine our surprise when men voluntarily admitted to us—nay, insisted!—that they ‘literally couldn’t control themselves’ when faced with an attractive woman,” she continued. “We were like, wait, seriously? That sounds really dangerous.”

Merck researcher Dr. Lillian Brown offered similar sentiments. “We assumed that men could be held accountable for their actions like all civilized people,” Dr. Brown explained to a Dealer representative, “but extensive in vivo testing confirmed that this was not the case.”

Critics complain that Fuckboy Cones will prevent male wearers from navigating their work environments without bumping into walls and that the devices will make it nearly impossible to drive. While Merck acknowledges these concerns, it defends the necessity of its product. “Given that our society values the safety and wellbeing of women, Fuckboy Cones are the only logical solution,” Bennett explained solemnly. “We’re doing our best to make them as comfortable and masculine as possible.”

Although Fuckboy Cones are not currently approved for men younger than 18, Merck hopes to bring “Fuckboy Juniors” suitable for chauvinists aged 13-17 to market by early 2025.