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Nov. 15, 2016
The holidays are here, and you already know that at this year’s party, somebody is going to bring that tangy tough nightmare in your mouth we all know as fruitcake. For generations, American families have been foisting this insult to fruit and cake upon each other only to re-gift it at the next party. Well, there might be relief in sight, because people are seriously wondering what the deal is with soda bread.
That’s right, fruitcake may soon cease to be America’s favorite lightning rod for holiday controversy. Our inbox has been flooded by confused readers who want a new snack to harp on this Holiday season, here are their most pressing questions:
1. Is it served on a plate, in a bowl, or in a cup?
2. I like to mix raisins and nuts into my dough for fruitcake. Can soda bread be made shittier this way too?
3. How long does soda bread take to rot in the pantry?
4. Shouldn’t I be roasting this over an open fire?
5. Is there a diet soda bread?
6. I hated fruitcakes out of hatred for the English. Which countries are responsible for soda bread and is it worth hating them?
7. How long do I have to wait after eating soda bread before I can swim?
8. What’s the typical soda to bread ratio?
9. Can I bring soda bread across state lines?
10. Can soda bread be made with gluten free ingredients, or is it already gluten free?
11. Will carving “I’m sorry” into the dough prove I’m serious about saving my marriage?
12. Does soda bread have a song? If not, would you pay me to write one?
13. If I want a sweeter soda bread should I add sugar or honey or buy a real cake instead?
14. Was soda bread culturally appropriated by anyone? Because I don’t want to be the first one to do it.
15. Is soda bread good deep-fried?
16. Are there any good forums for swapping soda bread recipes, or is there just one way to make it?
17. How long do I have to wait after eating soda bread before I can screw?
18. Is it safe for pets to eat?
19. Is the inventor of soda bread still alive? I want to lodge a formal complaint.
20. Will my gods consider burningaccept soda bread as an acceptable sacrifice?
