“Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster

By Jacob Johnson

April 24, 2017

Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison, struggling to close the lid of a dumpster overflowing with the mangled corpses of dozens of prospective UChicago students. It was another April Overnight come and gone, and this was simply not his day.

“Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Ellison proclaimed in his signature cheerful, upbeat tone as he repeatedly slammed the metal dumpster lid over the limp, shattered head of a formerly-admitted student from Acton, Ohio. He hoped that his repeated blows would pack the bodies in more effectively and allow the dumpster to properly shut. Improperly-closed dumpsters were, of course, against university policy.

Ellison is the head of De-Prospie, an initiative out of the University of Chicago designed to keep enrollment numbers down by systematically murdering a certain percentage of admitted students visiting campus. By doing so, the University believes it will be better-equipped to keep class sizes down and to allocate more resources for each individual student’s learning experience. According to Ellison, the highest-priority assassination targets are selected by “overall SAT score, the lowest scores being eliminated first and continuing upwards until the death quota is met.”. Sources confirm that the most common techniques for disposing of prospies include, but are not limited to: stabbing, poisoning, burning at the stake (usually reserved for future theology majors), being hit in the back of the head by a heavy textbook, and being run over by a forklift, usually piloted by Ellison himself.

“It’s a dirty job,” quipped Ellison, beaming as he wiped his fingerprints from the handle of a bloodstained samurai sword. “But doggone it, someone’s gotta do it!”

Upon returning to the dumpster and finding his previous lid-bashing method ineffective, Ellison proceeded to climb into the dumpster and jump up and down on the considerable mound of decaying corpses, his coat and tie soon splattered a deep red from the blood and human viscera. After a couple of additional whacks with a sledgehammer, the lid finally shut with a muffled squish. Ellison breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well, that’s all of ‘em until next year!” cried Ellison with near-maniacal glee, wiping the sweat and prospie blood from his forehead. “We really need to raise the cost of tuition again to pay for some larger diddly-darn dumpsters.”

On an unrelated note, the Regenstein Library’s department of Special Collections recently received an anonymous donation of over one-hundred and twenty more-or-less intact human skeletons, and expects to have them on display until next April.