Paul Ryan Resigns: Plans to “Spend More Time Silently Staring at the Wall While Hugging His Knees”

By Nik Varley

April 20, 2018

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan surprised Washington this week by announcing that he will not seek re-election in the upcoming midterms. The speaker is reportedly giving up his seat in order to “spend more time silently hugging his knees in a bare room while slowly rocking back and forth,” as per a statement released by the Speaker’s office.  

“Serving as Speaker of the House has been the greatest honor of my career, and I am deeply grateful to all of my colleagues who placed their trust in me,” read Ryan’s statement. “However, what I feel I need most at this point in my life is to spend the bulk of my day upright in the fetal position staring at the same fixed point on the wall, occasionally moaning ‘oh God.’ I hope that my colleagues understand and respect this.”

Paul Ryan

When asked about how his resignation will affect the future of the Republican Party and its success in the upcoming 2018 midterm elections, he responded, “I do not intend to find out. I plan to be completely oblivious to all future political matters as I sit wordlessly in total seclusion.”

“We’re trying to as supportive of Paul as we can,” said Ryan’s wife Janna. “I’m so proud of what my husband has been able to accomplish in Congress, but I also understand that sometimes people need to step away from their careers in order to focus on what’s really important to them. In Paul’s case, this involves lying totally still in a state of complete shell-shock for days or weeks at a time.”

At press time, Ryan was taking a short break from his meetings to hold his knees and sigh softly in his office.