Ghosts of Friedman, Stigler Moan in 4th Circle of Hell as Ominous Trumpet Announces Entry of New Damned Soul

By Tsing Sum Lo

Oct. 26, 2018

Infernal sources from the 4th Circle of Hell report that the spirits of George J. Stigler and Milton Friedman let out soul-splitting moans from their respective jousting rings yesterday. The howls reportedly came in response to the announcement that another University of Chicago first year had decided to declare an Economics major.

The two Nobel laureate economists, both former members of the UChicago community, started to let out coordinated whimpers at 1:00 a.m. Eastern Eternal Darkness Time (EEDT).  Mammon, High Prince of Hell and personification of avarice, described Stigler and Friedman as looking “visibly tortured” as an ominous trumpet blared to indicate the condemnation of Paul Stanley, UChicago first year and newly declared Economics major, to eternal punishment in the Circle of Greed.

“We get about four UChicago economists sent here per month, mostly undergrads who choke while doing keg stands at frats. There’s so many of them, we have a special bugle call for whenever we need to announce the reservation of a spot for one of them. Friedman and Stigler started howling yesterday just as the trumpet sounded. It’s a thing they’ve been doing for a while–every time we announce that another first year in the College has decided to declare an Econ major, they start scream-howling.”

Friedman and Stigler reportedly chanted in coordinated fashion for 6 hours, at one point abandoning their jousting rings and parading around the Flaming Pits of Mortal Voracity.  Mammon recalled the groans as being “vaguely capitalistic,” with repeated allusions to the nature of the free market. 

“At one point they floated up into the air and just started repeating the phrase, ‘ANOTHER DESCENDS. A SCHOOL OF GREED. THE MARKET WILL REGULATE ITSELF.’ The chant changes from time to time, but it’s usually something about material want and the futility of government control. More and more people have been declaring Econ majors, and recently they’ve been doing this chant at least once a week.  To be honest, we’re all a little tired of it.”

The High Prince of Hell went on to criticize Friedman and Stigler’s behavior for being predictable and unnecessary.  “There’s, like, 50,000 people in here affiliated with the University of Chicago, and that’s just for this circle. The next circle over has over 6000 UChicago kids.  Getting sent to Hell is nothing special. You don’t have to yell about it every time someone from your school gets damned to an eternity of repentance,” said Mammon, picking at his blood-stained diamond fingernails and polishing his gold whip.

Sources report that Stanley will join the exclusive VIP section adjacent to the screaming pit of lava once he perishes. The section, where Friedman and Stigler permanently reside, is reserved for worst of the greedy; the population includes several corrupt World Bank officials and all economists affiliated with the University of Chicago.  The residents, Ayn Rand and John D. Rockefeller among them, take turns fighting Andrew Carnegie with half-ton bars of gold.

At press time, the residents of the neighboring circle started collectively scream-crying as they began preparations for their midterms.