By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 Classified: Artist Seeks Torture Aspiring artist with privileged upbringing seeks malevolent acts to inspire creative works. Applicants can expect to  Humiliate me in public  Point…

By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 As 2014 drew to a close, the Dealer received numerous reports of encounters with an exceedingly sharp-witted man in the area. claiming he would “see [us] next…

By Christopher Walker Dec. 31, 2014 After more than a decade of research, physicists at Fermilab have concluded that Fox News broadcasts are composed of neither journalism nor entertainment. “The experiment began when…

By Evan Bernstein Dec. 31, 2014 Whom when it’s the object of a sentence, babe. Who when it’s the subject. No biggie; it’s a common mistake. Just, you know, now you know. Like…

By Evan Bernstein Jan. 2, 2015 What?? Why?? I don’t understand!! We were all just standing around having a good time and then- what?? Everyone started kissing! Each other! With their mouths! They’re…

By Dan’s Tough Dad Jan. 8, 2015 You’re all young people, right? Younger than me at least. Well, when I was young the world was different and everybody said what they meant and…

By Shady Dealer Editorial Board Jan. 10, 2015 At the moment we exit the womb, we enter into a pervasive societal delusion. The mothers who raise us and nurture us also claim to…

By Si Squires-Kasten Jan. 14, 2015 Following the January 7th attack on the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, Minister of the Interior Bernard Cazeneuve expressed “profound gratitude” that his country…

By Cub Reporter Jacob Levin Jan. 14, 2015 The NBA recently approved a trade between the Portland Trailblazers and the Los Angeles Clippers in which the Trailblazers will give $2 million to the…

By President Benjamin Harrison Jan. 24, 2015 WASHINGTON 1889 — In this historical moment, I, President Benjamin Harrison, have decided to cement my lasting legacy by adding two new states— North Dakota and…