By Gus Schiff (1200 B.C.) Jan. 24, 2014 Humanity has eagerly awaited God’s book, 50 Shades of Yahweh, since it was announced nearly 3000 years ago. But the world might not want to…

By Daniel Betancourt Jan. 24, 2014 10. The Pale Plague, 904-936 – Infecting overbore more than 80% of Europe, the sadly hereditary Pale Plague turned its victims sickeningly pasty and caused them to…

By Walker King (391) Jan. 24, 2014 zTragedy struck Egypt yesterday when the Library of Alexandria, the world’s largest depository of pornographic materials, was burned to the ground by Roman Emperor Lucius Aurelianus.…

By Walker King (1939) Jan. 24, 2014 Speaking from his home in Berlin, Adolph Hitler gave a powerful address today to the German people: they must stay united if they ever hope to…

By Terry Hines (32 A.D.) Jan. 24, 2014 Our holy father was spotted turning the other cheek yesterday – for Judas to plant another sloppy kiss on him! Lately, rumors of Jesus’ sexuality…

By Isaac Krone (1947) Jan. 24, 2014 For nearly two hundred and fifty years, since our founding in 1698, it has been our goal to provide the greatest art education in the world…

By Matthew Goldenberg (1685) Jan. 25, 2014 The scientific community of Europe is in uproar this week after hearing that Gottfried Leibniz threw an apple at Isaac Newtonon this this last Tuesday. The…

By Alexander Dunlap (1971) Jan. 25, 2014 After weeks of bilateral negotiations regarding quitting rights, rates of metabolism, and access to key neurotransmitters, Sarah Rodriguez, United States Ambassador to Drugs, announced last night…

By James Ekstrom (100 BC) Jan. 26, 2014 A decision passed in the Roman Senate has declared the end of the age of “net neutrality” in gladiatorial combat. The decision to implement “net…

By Chris Deakin (340 BC) Jan. 30, 2014 BREAKING – Sources inside the Academy of Athens report that student Leon Petropoulos is currently wrestling with Plato. Petropoulos has reportedly spent all day and…