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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Point: I have been forced to carry the spirit of Pierce on my shoulders. Counterpoint by construction worker: I have been forced to carry Pierce on my shoulders

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Aug. 2, 2013 Point: I have been forced to carry the spirit of Pierce on my shoulders. By Oliver Wateringcan II With the construction of the University of Chicago’s new…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Finalizes List of RSOs she’s not going to join

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg Aug. 2, 2013 Incoming first-year student Patricia Lewis has announced that she has decided which Registered Student Organizations she wants to join and, more importantly, the ones she doesn’t want…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Wanted to Have an O-mance with Her, but Her Internship Prospects Just weren’t good enough

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Sands Aug. 2, 2013 There’s a cute girl in my advising group. I get that she’s attractive, but she has no future. She said she wants a Ph.D. in Sociology. If…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Future Pixar Movies that Relate to College

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin Aug. 2, 2013 If you’re looking for a good family movie that presents the trials of college and young adulthood in a realistic, relatable way, you’ve probably already laughed with…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips For Your First Call Home

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Steph Yu Aug. 2, 2013 So you’ve finally flown the coop and driven ten minutes/flown across the country/flown across the world to receive a top-notch education at the University of Chicago. Remember…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Relaunches P.E. Requirement as “Theory of Sport” Lecture Series

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nora Helfand Aug. 2, 2013 It has only been a year since UChicago waived its long-standing physical education requirement to the delight of many of its students. But if you ask eminent…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    ORCSA To Terminate RSO Program, Become Coffee Shop

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Senior Director For Coffee Life Sarah Cunningham Aug. 4, 2013 Due to the overwhelming feedback we’ve received from students concerning our plans for Hallowed Grounds, the Office of the Reynolds Club and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Making the Most of Your O Week-By the Office of the Dean of Students

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner Sept. 9, 2013 This O-Week, I will: Grow: · 1 (one) inch, 3 (three) pounds Mature: · Mention the word loins during only one (1) icebreaker. Synergize: ·Curate one (1)…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Fraternities Launch New Breathalyzer Program

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Betancourt Sept. 15, 2013 Following the startling success of last year’s “Beer and Bowl Buyback Days”, the University of Chicago revealed in a press release Friday that it plans to work…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Old White Man Painted

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein Oct. 17, 2013 According to sources familiar with the matter, a portrait has been commissioned of Dr. Maxwell T. Pennyweather, President of the University of Chicago’s Wealth Studies program. Pennyweather…

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Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
  • Confused Animal Rights Group seen protesting outside NFL HQ after Bad Bunny announcement
  • Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
  • Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
  • All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
  • First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
  • 12 Days of UChicago Finals
  • LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company

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