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95% of First Years Who Took Up Exercise Are Done With It
By Mary Vansuch Nov. 9, 2013 “My exercise goal was to be able to run a ten-minute mile and lift twenty pounds. I actually ran 9:50 and lifted thirty yesterday, so I’m more…
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School Declares Penile Deficiency Syndrome Awareness Week
By Michaela Cross Nov. 11, 2013 Dean of Students Susan Art has announced in a press release that the College plans to enact an annual “PDS Awareness Week.” “The University of Chicago cares…
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Student Forgets to Scan ID, Central Shuttle Ignites
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 22, 2013 BREAKING NEWS At approximately 6:04 P.M. Thursday, a UChicago NightRide shuttle bus burst into flames after second-year Devon McLaster forgot to scan his UCID card when boarding.…
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Frosty the Snowman Dead at 37
By Evan Bernstein Dec. 17, 2013 Frosty the Snowman, beloved Children’s icon and opiate addict , died in his Southern California home on Tuesday aged 37.While the cause of death is still under…
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Weak Roommate Declares State of Emergen-C
By Chris Deakin Dec. 24, 2013 According to a release from Brian the subletter, 5414 S. Woodlawn Ave., Apt. 2, is currently in a state of Emergen-C. The state was declared less than…
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Breast Cancer Becomes Aware
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 After decades of painstaking medical research and ardent fundraising efforts, Breast Cancer finally became aware during a thunderstorm last Tuesday morning at 3:52 AM PST. According to…
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Student Enjoyed Studying A Broad
By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 24, 2013 In an interview conducted last week, third-year in the College Jacob Sandilson confirmed that he really enjoyed studying a broad last summer. There had been rumors among…
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Dean Boyer: “This Weekend is Weed Weekend”
By Evan Bernstein Dec. 24, 2013 Citing the stress of midterms and the “total need for some chillaxing,” Dean Boyer has declared a campus-wide “weed weekend” beginning January 16th, 2014. Although the traditional…
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Area Woman Pays Face Value for Klondike Bar
By Chris Deakin Dec. 24, 2013 At 4:30 p.m. EST, Friday January 10th, local businesswoman Grace Fortier paid $2.99 for a package of six Klondike Bars™, a popular confection made of ice cream…
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Scientists Confirm with 99% Certainty that Struggle is Real
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 Particle physicists working at CERN Laboratories have just confirmed the existence of the Struggle, the fundamental particle initially theorized in 1963 by Peter Struggle which completes the…
