By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 19, 2015 Persons close to the situation report that a dimensionless number that was just spoken aloud by area woman Christina Wilkins is, indeed, hilarious. The figure was uttered…

By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 19, 2015 According to eyewitness reports, area flu-victim Walter Atkins was forced to re-evaluate the feasibility of continuing to blow his nose into a tissue that he had already…

By Alek Binion Oct. 19, 2015 On October 1, 2015, it was confirmed that Todd Smith, a fourth-year Mathematics major at the University of Chicago, has nothing left to prove. The University of…

By Jacob Levin- Sports Editor Oct. 20, 2015 I know what you’re thinking. This is the University of Chicago, a school better known for its rigorous academics, storied traditions, and wild frat parties…

By Chase Harrison Oct. 21, 2015 As the fourth and final winner of the 2019 Class Council Race was announced, an audible gasp was heard throughout Ida Noyes Hall. Matt Newson had not…

By Pseudonym? Oct. 21, 2015 According to recent reports, a thing that you have just seen, which should, by all accounts, be considered deeply strange, is somehow continuing to be arousing despite all…

By Dan Lastres Oct. 22, 2015 On Friday night, local introvert Tim Jericho took a major step forward for introverts everywhere when he poured himself a rum and lemonade in the comfort of…

By Zachary Spitz Oct. 22, 2015 At a news conference yesterday in Boston, chuckling economists presented the results of a series of studies showing that the fishing industry is, ahem, floundering. Lead researcher…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Oct. 23, 2015 In a shocking turn of events, during his Monday talk and book signing at Mandel Hall, Junot Diaz revealed that he still has not decided whether he…

By David North Oct. 23, 2015 A recent decision by editors of The Maroon, a “newspaper publisher” (sic) on campus, has moved the paper in a journalistic direction. The vote only nearly passed…