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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Female Philosophy Major Thought Experiments With Women

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 According to Shady Dealer reporters, at Bar Night on January 6, y 10th, third-year Lisa D’Angelo thought experimented for the first time with a woman by, as…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Which Oscar Nominees Pass the Bechdel Test? We Didn’t Check.

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 The Oscar nominations were announced on Thursday, and already and many of tthemwhichthe nominees have been praised for their unique storytelling and captivating performances by some of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student to Spend Quarter Abroad in Shondaland

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison Dec. 31, 2015 While other UChicago students will be traveling to Paris, Beijing, and Oaxaca in the winter quarter, third-year Junior Kelsey Shippman will be immersing herself in perhaps the…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Student Doing Pretty Well at Facebook

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Sources close to area student Todd Braxton confirmed today that the local teen is “doing pretty well on Facebook.” Braxton’s friend Steve Ackerman elaborated. “Things are really…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Golden Man In the Oscar Should Hold a Tinier, Golder Oscar

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 1. The Golden Man Might Get Lonely! People aren’t the only ones who get lonely, you know. The Golden Man deserves a friend too. 2. The Oscar…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    My Son is Going to Love This Meme I Posted on his Facebook Wall

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mr. Z, Ted’s Cool Dad Dec. 31, 2015 When you spend a lot of time with your kids, you start to get an idea of what makes them tick. My son Ted,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Year, Same You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Millions of people celebrated the coming of the New Year across this world this past January, and while many of them made resolutions and set goals of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Last UPS Delivery Man Gives in, Trades Shorts for Pants

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Dec. 31, 2015 One Chicago UPS truck delivered more than mail this past Tuesday: the surprise of the week was brought to residents’ front doors when local UPS delivery man…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: A College Football Playoff Without UCF Has No Credibility

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Coach Danny Barret Dec. 31, 2015 There’s been a lot of college football playoff-related controversy since the concept was introduced last year. Most people are glad that the top four teams get…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Donald Trump Googles Self

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 Late Wednesday evening, Donald Trump was spotted by Shady Dealer reporters in a dimly lit study in his Palm Beach home googling his name and variations thereof…

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  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”

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