The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Only Hurts Until You Man Up and Get Over It

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan’s Tough Dad March 1, 2015 Let me take you back. It’s 1983. I have a full head of hair and a BMI of 24. I’m preparing to go to the qualifying…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Amazon Announces Plans to Ship Consumers Directly to Product

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin March 1, 2015 In a press conference this morning, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced that the online retailer will begin delivery of clients to their desired product as early as…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UCPD Seeks Budget Approval For Meddling Kids and Dumb Dog

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Natalie Friedberg March 1, 2015 Last Tuesday, Marlon C. Lynch, UCPD Chief and Associate Vice President for Safety, Security and Civic Affairs, submitted a request for a $1,000,000 budget increase in order…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    20 Ways to Please Your Man

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein April 23, 2015 20 Ways to Please Your Man These twenty tips are sure to spice things up in the bedroom, shower, or empty train car! 1. Touch it Touching…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Realistic Barbie to Have Anxiety, Depression

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 Parents and children alike are buzzing with excitement over Mattel, Inc.’s recent announcement that the company will release a new, realistic Barbie doll this summer, “Sad-Feelings Sandra.”…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Ate Mascara For Six Days and It Made Me Very Sick

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 I’ll be honest—I’ve never really been a “girly girl.” When other teens were figuring out high heels and accessories, I was belching loudly and watching NASCAR. Actually,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Happened to Me: My One-Year-Old Stopped Thinking I Was Sexy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Elizabeth Sawyer April 23, 2015 It’s every new mom’s worst nightmare. You think your relationship with your one-year old child is perfect. You stay up all night taking care of them, nursing…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Critics Call Yoga in Schools “Discriminatory” Against Kids Who Do That Fast Leg-Shaking Thing

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres April 23, 2015 The school board of California’s Fresno Unified School District announced last week a plan to include yoga in its physical education curriculum for the 2015-16 school year,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    None of Us Have Ever Had Sex

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Editorial Bored April 23, 2015 Okay, you got us! There’s no use hiding it, so you might as well know. What gave it away? Was it that headline up there? Well, you…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Five Sex Tips So Good, You’ll Forget You’ve Never Had a Vaginal Orgasm

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Becky Stoner April 25, 2015 1. If your man’s not getting the job done, take matters into your own hands. While he’s on top of you, grunting his way towards climax, take…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
  • Confused Animal Rights Group seen protesting outside NFL HQ after Bad Bunny announcement
  • Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
  • Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
  • All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
  • First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
  • 12 Days of UChicago Finals

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2026 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.