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Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
Another resolution under consideration by the General Assembly proposes a battle royale between all national leaders, with the winner crowned Emperor of Earth.
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Senator Asks TikTok CEO How to Do Renegade Dance
“How should I move my elbows? Like this?” inquired Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas).
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Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture
Obama’s appearance has him join a long and distinguished list of UChicago Chemisty Professors who just don’t give a fuck.
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Mayoral Candidates Spend $4 Million on Crucial Max P Ad Blitz
Max Palevsky residents reportedly have not noticed the garish and colorful portraits which, according to one Graham House resident, “actually blend in really well with our haunted circus color scheme.”
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Heroic Woodlawn Arsonist Blows Up Debt Ceiling
The debt ceiling, recently breached by the US national debt, was finally brought down by an explosion which the Pentagon believes to be a deliberate attack.
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Lightfoot Promises 4-Hour CTA Delays “Only Some of the Time”
CTA riders who spoke with the Dealer said the move would be life-changing. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that only half my waking hours will be spent waiting…
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Orthodox and Catholic Churches Reunite, Citing “Reconcilable Differences”
“We’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and we’ve come to the realization that papal infallibility and unwavering submission to Rome are actually really cool.”
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Kevin McCarthy Secures College Council Speakership After 14 Ballots
I really just wanted to put ‘Speaker of College Council’ on my LinkedIn.
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Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House
According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.
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Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict
At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”