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Orthodox and Catholic Churches Reunite, Citing “Reconcilable Differences”
“We’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and we’ve come to the realization that papal infallibility and unwavering submission to Rome are actually really cool.”
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Kevin McCarthy Secures College Council Speakership After 14 Ballots
I really just wanted to put ‘Speaker of College Council’ on my LinkedIn.
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Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House
According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.
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Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict
At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”
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Point: Joe Biden Is Ruining America/Counterpoint: Grandpa, Can We Please Just Have a Normal Thanksgiving Dinner for Once?
This is why we never come here for the holidays. You thought it would be such a great idea for the kids to watch Fox News instead of Dora the Explorer because it…
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Turkey Pardon Gone Wrong: Armenian Genocide Perpetrators Acquitted of War Crimes
According to sources, the White House is considering apologizing to the Armenian-American community by promising an open dialogue that will happen sometime in the near, yet far future.
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Opening for Prime Minister Position Posted on Handshake
“For the next Prime Minister, the party wanted someone who was an outsider, who could talk at length on a subject without actually saying anything, and who could work for hours on a…
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Value of Pound Drops Drastically in Comparison to Maroon Dollar
"The pound’s strong exchange rate with the Burgundy Dollar and the Crimson Dollar are encouraging, but that its persistent weakness against the Scarlet Dollar, the Carmine Dollar, and the Vermillion Dollar are cause…
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Congress Announces Long Term Plan to Create More Fossil Fuels by Fast Tracking Anthropogenic Extinctions
“We see and hear our plants and animals around us going extinct: we’re going to accelerate that, so that our grandchildren and their grandchildren can have what we have today.”
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Wanna Feel Better About Politics? Donate to These 4 Inspirational Democrats Running in Districts They Have No Chance Whatsoever of Winning
Recent political developments got you down? Want to do something to help out? Here are four extremely qualified Democratic candidates for Congress that want your hard-earned money. Donate to ease your sorrows! They’re…