"The results of this past election clearly indicate that Americans want a really old white dude to be their president. We won in 2020 with Joe Biden, who’s like the third oldest boy of…

“Bitches like me are at a high risk for pyometra,” says five-year-old Lola-Bear, a yellow lab, “and following recent decisions made by the federal government, I don’t trust that doctors will prioritize my…

According to new directives, parents can help keep their children healthy by melting all the snow outside of their homes first thing in the morning and wrapping their kids in tin foil whenever…

“Arthur Curry, we call him ‘puny fish-man.’ What a loser! Your tremendous President is here to make a promise: once we have bought it, Atlantis shall be named ‘America in Water.’ America in…

The other executive orders signed today include a variety of measures that Donald Trump has been hoping to enact for a long time, including Executive Order 14185: “Bring us more jobs”, and Executive…

"Polio shouldn’t be demonized just for the paralysis and the killing. Who even remembers that? The last time someone died of polio was like ten months ago.”

At 2:02 am on January 11th, Instagram records show that an account linked to Obama liked a post made by Trump in 2011, before quickly un-liking the post seconds later.

“A careful study of the debates surrounding the drafting of the Fourth Amendment reveals that the Framers of the Constitution wrote that particular provision in a bitingly sardonic mood,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote.

“He’s a really great man. I really trust him," said President-Elect Trump. "He has great tastes, the best tastes. I wouldn’t trust any other vampire with my blood."

Rimmer, who had a higher GPA (normal and weighted) than you and an immaculate 36 on the ACT, was unfortunately rejected from the Electoral College because he lacked any experience with a major…