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2 Chainz Objectifies God
By Drew Armstrong Feb. 22, 2014 With his most recent single, “Fallaish me Father 4 I have Sinned,” rapper 2Chainz gives missionary a whole new meaning. Tired of defaming women, the G.O.O.D. Music…
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God Finally Finishes Book
By Gus Schiff (1200 B.C.) Jan. 24, 2014 Humanity has eagerly awaited God’s book, 50 Shades of Yahweh, since it was announced nearly 3000 years ago. But the world might not want to…
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Weak Roommate Declares State of Emergen-C
By Chris Deakin Dec. 24, 2013 According to a release from Brian the subletter, 5414 S. Woodlawn Ave., Apt. 2, is currently in a state of Emergen-C. The state was declared less than…
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RSO Announces Shortest Ever Humans vs. Atomic Bomb game
By Jeremy Archer Nov. 9, 2013 Highlighting the lack of any sort of protection against an atomic blast, the managing board of the Atomic Bomb Defense Task Force announced today that this year’s…
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Red Cup Washed, Reused
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 18, 2013 According to roommates, a red plastic cup has been washed and subsequently reused. The cup was reportedly first purchased in bulk for the purposes of a Saturday…
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Parties to look out for in 2013
By Robin Ye Aug. 2, 2013 The brochures promised it all: eternal laughter on the quad, casual, enjoyable studying, and a diverse set of friends assembled from the far regions of the world,…
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Health Inspection Finds Humans in Cathey Dining Commons
By Alexander Dunlap May 23, 2013 CHICAGO—The Chicago Department of Public Rat Health has issued a “critical” violation to Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons upon discovering almost three hundred live humans in the…
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Things That UChicago Crushes
By Maya Handa and Becky Stoner April 23, 2013 Hopes Dreams Hearts Livers Everything on this list that is not also a sandwich Paninis The old USPS building Economic activity on 63rd Street…
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Animal House Wins Best Picture
By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 24, 2013 In an absolutely stunning surprise this evening, the 1978 film Animal House won the Oscar for Best Picture in 2013. Despite the fact that the movie was…
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Editorial: It is a good idea for us to invade Afghanistan
By Various Feb. 4, 2013 It is a Good Idea for Us to Invade Afghanistan By Raymond Aloysius Chatterton III 1838 – Afghanistan will be the next step in the glorious expansion of…