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Town of Fonts Finds Itself Sans Sheriff
By Si Squires-Kasten Nov. 13, 2014 In a story first picked up by the New Roman Times, the town of Tahoma, Georgia has been sans sheriff for the last four days. Pressed to…
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After First Beers, First Years Cry First Tears
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 After quite a night of drinking and thinking, smarties at parties had too much Bacardi and fell into a well of crying and sighing, not one son…
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Fashion Scientists Search for New Black Substitute
By Isaac Krone May 13, 2014 The clothing industry is in tumult today as its best and brightest minds desperately seekh for what analysts call the “new black.” This coveted resource, arguably the…
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University of Chicago Announces Todd Awareness Day
By Noah Lemelson April 20, 2014 Caving to popular demand,, The University of Chicago announced yesterday that it will host a Todd Awareness Day on June 13th. Many suspect the University’s decision may…
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Boyer to Reopen Anatomy Department in His Basement
By Walker King Feb. 22, 2014 Speaking to members of the press yesterday,University Dean John Boyer announced that the University of Chicago would be reopening its anatomy department in the basement of Boyer’s…
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Joan of Arc Burned at Steak and Shake
By Evan Bernstein (1431) Jan. 24, 2014 And so it was that yesterday, the 30th of May, in the year of our Lord 1431, that the girl Joan of Arc was burned at…
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Frosty the Snowman Dead at 37
By Evan Bernstein Dec. 17, 2013 Frosty the Snowman, beloved Children’s icon and opiate addict , died in his Southern California home on Tuesday aged 37.While the cause of death is still under…
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Point: The Weather outside is frightful. Counterpoint: Death will come soon.
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 9, 2013 By Sammy Cahn Oh, the weather outside is frightful – but the fire is so delightful. And since we’ve no place to go, let it snow! Let…
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Gothic Girls Posted Outside Max P To Heighten Gothic Feel
By Mary Vansuch Oct. 17, 2013 University of Chicago’s Student Health Services have announced a new job opportunity for those in its work-study program:“Goth Girl Stationed Outside Max Palevsky,” or “GGSOMPs” for short..…
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Class of 2017 Surprised by Air of Sexual Promise
By Clay Olsen Aug. 2, 2013 Most long-time inmates at the University of Chicago know that the campus and its environs are boiling cauldrons of sin, a few well-timed winks and broken condoms…
