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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Occidental Institute Begins Study of “Baseball”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jeremy Archer Oct. 20, 2013 CHICAGO – Researchers at the University of Chicago’s Occidental Institute have announced a bold new archaeological initiative to pinpoint the true nature, and ultimate social function, of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Future Pixar Movies that Relate to College

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin Aug. 2, 2013 If you’re looking for a good family movie that presents the trials of college and young adulthood in a realistic, relatable way, you’ve probably already laughed with…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Surprising Findings: UCMC Doctor Recommends Laughter as Best Medicine for Erectile Dysfunction

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King May 27, 2013 University of Chicago Hospital urologist Dr. Travis Bartman publicized his latest paper today, telling reporters that laughter is truly the best medicine for patients suffering erectile dysfunction.Bartman…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tensions Run High at House Council Meeting

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Timi Koyejo April 25, 2013 After a contentious motion was pushed through by a faction of the Booth House Council, tensions abounded this past Sunday, multiple sources reported. “I had always expected…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer to challenge the Gods

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Boykin Feb. 24, 2013 John W. Boyer, Dean of the College at The University of Chicago, has challenged every major and minor deity who exerts influence over natural phenomena to a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area man way behind on his telegraph feed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 Having finally returned to the telegraph office after three days of ignoring it, area man George Brittlemeier is reportedly overwhelmed by the number of telegrams left to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Wyoming pushed out to sea to make room for Puerto Rico

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin Jan. 3, 2013 After more than 800,000 Puerto Rican voters voiced support for the island to become the 51st U.S. state, United States lawmakers have determined that “as it stands,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Using Local Resources, Peer Health Exchange Begins Educational Programs for UChicago Students

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jeremy Wilson Nov. 10, 2012 Peer Health Exchange (PHE) recently expanded their mission from promoting safe sex practices in the surrounding community to helping UChicago students understand how to have sex. In…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Counterpoint: No guys, seriously, I’m the antichrist

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ricky Stewart Oct. 21, 2012 If you’ve been following the news at all since President Obama took office, you’ve probably heard the rumors about how he’s a Muslim Antichrist sent from Kenya…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  World Affairs

    Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can’t Swim

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Dec. 5, 2018 Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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