Counterpoint: No guys, seriously, I’m the antichrist

By Ricky Stewart

Oct. 21, 2012

If you’ve been following the news at all since President Obama took office, you’ve probably heard the rumors about how he’s a Muslim Antichrist sent from Kenya to destroy all believers. Obviously, these silly stories are completely unfounded.

I say this so confidently because I am the country’s sole secret Muslim Antichrist.

I won’t say it’s not difficult to watch Obama get all the credit for the things I’ve done, like tsunamis and earthquakes, and making the Earth quite a bit hotter than it’s been in recent history. It stings a little bit when people accuse Barack Obama of trying to destroy America by legalizing gay marriage, when, of course, it is I who will ultimately be responsible for destroying America. But life has its challenges, and you pull through.

Why Obama’s been getting all this attention is beyond me. His magic is weak at best, while mine is mature, focused, and powerful. I can start small fires with my magic, for instance. I can also levitate just over an inch above the ground when no one is looking. .

But what hurts the most is when they laugh. I try to be the most satanic Quiznos shift manager I can, but darn it, it hurts when you growl, “The days of your reckoning approach, get on your knees and worship The Dark Lord” before carving a pentagram into a customer’s sandwich, and all they do is let out an uncomfortable laugh, as if you’re telling some kind of joke. It’s not a joke. This is serious. I may be a hellish demon sent to enslave the human race and begin a thousand-year-long war against God’s army, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings!

And why doesn’t anybody accuse me of being a secret Muslim? If you’re going to order a meatball sub from somebody, it’s common courtesy to ask them whether they’re secretly practicing Islam, as far as I’m concerned. Anything short of that is flat-out rude. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just how I was raised.

So the next time someone’s talking your ear off about how Obama’s going to kill us all, make sure to set them straight and tell them that Scranton’s Phil DeRuzzo is the one they want, because things aren’t so great for me over here. Obama’s getting credit for the rough patch America’s going through, and good for him, but for once, I’d like to be acknowledged for a hex or two.

Please, just listen to me. Hail Satan.