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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Since You’re in the Market for a New Country…

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg June 25, 2016 Don’t go changing your flag just yet, because we have an offer for you. You’ve got a vacancy, and we want in. That’s right: The Ruttenberg Family…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Species That Are Almost Horses

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman April 26, 2016 1. Zebras. With their famous black and white stripes, Zebras are essentially angsty, different colored horses. 2. Alpacas. These Peruvian beasts of burden are South America’s horse.…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: My Prospie is Trying to Look Like Me, and I’m Scared

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg April 14, 2016 I really need help here. My prospie, Michael, has beenis slowly changing his appearance to look like me, and this is definitely is not normal. To be…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Bernie Sanders Now 90% Meme

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger Feb. 18, 2016 In light of Senator Bernie Sanders’ recent success among the younger voters demographics, High-upsenior members of the Sanders cCampaign staff have begun to notices changes in thethe…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    You Really Fucked Up This Time, Seward

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison, 1867 Jan. 22, 2016 I’ve seen a lot of follies on my time on this planet, but this is the folly to end all follies. What in God’s name were…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Post-Apocalyptic Life Not So Bad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Charlotte Rieder, 2075 Jan. 22, 2016 “CHICAGO, IL”—Oobserving the not-quite-bleak landscape in front of him, Mark Ackerman, a survivor of The Disaster, reported that life in the Territory—formerly known as the United…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    My Son is Going to Love This Meme I Posted on his Facebook Wall

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mr. Z, Ted’s Cool Dad Dec. 31, 2015 When you spend a lot of time with your kids, you start to get an idea of what makes them tick. My son Ted,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Point/Counterpoint: Is Everything Going to be Okay?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Heather Barry Nov. 19, 2015 Point: Everything is Fine EPoint: Everything Is FineYesEverything is By Morgan Pantuck’s RationalityHeather Barry It is my strong belief that, at this moment in time, everything is…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Economics Lecturer Alan Sanderson falls for the ol’ “PhD Under a Box Propped Up by a Stick” Trick

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Nov. 11, 2015 Eyewitness reports confirmed recently that Alan Sanderson, senior Economics lecturer for the University of Chicago, was trapped underneath an upturned carboard box on the northeast corner of…

    read more
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Read It and Weep

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  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

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