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Eight Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairs
By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2017 8 Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairso Mona Lisa §Mona Lisa The Mona Lisa is widely considered the finest painting in all creation, so I…
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Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of Blood
By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of BloodBy Thomas Noriega In an unexpected turn, only one trio of students announced their candidacy for the Executive Slate…
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“Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy,” says Zimmer at Opening of New $150M Institute for Free Speech
By Sue Donim March 8, 2017 “Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy,” says Zimmer at Opening of New $150m Institute for Free Speech Jeremy Kidman CHICAGO — The University’s new Institute…
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An Open Letter To The Volcano That RUINED My Sweet Sixteen
By Milena Prossus, Pompeii 79 C.E. Feb. 6, 2017 Dear Mount Vesuvius, After gaining the courage I needed from my remaining friends and family, I finally feel comfortable saying this. You BROKE MY…
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Exclusive: The Negotiation Over the Wall
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 Of all of President Trump’s campaign promises, the most talked about is his proposed border wall with Mexico. However, Trump’s promise that Mexico will pay for the…
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Food And Drug Administration Issues Report Declaring “Both are Pretty Nice”
By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 On Tuesday, the FDA released its yearly report on the status of foods and drugs in America, concluding that “oOverall, both are pretty nice and we have…
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Everyone Has a Price. Mine Is Three Pickles.
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 I remember my first day in economics. The professor, who shall not be named for anonymity’s sake, went into his first lecture of the year beginning ,s.…
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UCPD Announces Plans to Float Hyde Park 200 Feet Above Rest of South Side
By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 Responding to a spate of home burglaries and street muggings, the University of Chicago Police Department announced, yesterday, a new plan to relocate Hyde Parkthe neighborhood 200ft…
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Linguists Plead for Desexualization of “Girth”
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 8, 2016 Nearly 100 members of the Linguistic Society of America signed an open letter to the public this weekend detailing “the necessity of desexualizing the word ‘girth,’” the…
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Complaint: My U-Pass is Stuck in My Vagina
By Milena Pross Oct. 13, 2016 Last year, campus was torn apart by a divisive and polarizing referendum. Critics have referred to it as “Pre-Brexit Brexit” and “The War Between the States Between…
