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University Introduces Live Bears to Campus in Crackdown on Safe Spaces
By Reed Thurston Aug. 17, 2017 After last year’s controversial memorandum on free speech, the university doubled-down on its commitment to intellectual free enterprise this week. Administrators revealed a new “curricular reinvigoration” project…
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My Calculus Professor Has Maybe Thirty Seconds to Erase That Goddamn Spot He Missed on The Whiteboard Before The Entire Class Totally Loses It
By Greer Baxter May 14, 2017 My Calculus Professor Has Maybe Thirty Seconds to Erase That Goddamn Spot He Missed on The Whiteboard Before The Entire Class Totally Loses It Every single student…
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Student Naming Rights Sold
By Thomas Noriega April 20, 2017 Student Naming Rights SoldBy Arley D. Cathey In an effort to defray mounting debts, the University announced that, effective immediately, the naming rights of all current students…
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Markets in Disarray as Snapchat Shares Disappear After Ten Seconds
By Christopher Walker March 26, 2017 NEW YORK –This Friday, iInvestors were sent into a panic panicked on Friday when it was discovered that all purchased shares of Snap, Inc (SNAP) disappear from…
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Meryl Streep Stripped of Oscars for Performance Enhancing Drugs
By Chase Harrison Feb. 25, 2017 In a shocking announcement, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences stated that legendary actress Meryl Streep has tested positive for the performance enhancing drugs. Streep,…
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Former President Obama Dedicates New Tomb of the Unknown Drone
By Dan Lastres Feb. 5, 2017 Arlington, VA 2023- Former President Obama attended a ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery today, dedicating the newly built Tomb of the Unknown Drone. The mood was somber…
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Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely Fun
By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 28, 2017 Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely FunIn a press conference streamed to YouTube last Saturday from his parents’ basement, eighth-grader Sean Spicer announced that…
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Sexting Over Venmo: As Easy As It Sounds
By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 iMessage bumming you out? Snapchat not doing’ you dirty like it used to? Never fear, sSexting over Venmo is all the rage in 2017, and you heard…
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Texas School Lunches Add “Down-Home Pulled Pork BBQ” as Food Group
By Nico Aldape Nov. 18, 2016 In a move made “in the interests of student physical well-being and health,” the Texas State Board of Education (SBOE) has announced it will phase in dowwn…
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How To Tell If Your Tinder Date Is Actually Danny DeVito In Drag
By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 13, 2016 Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local café? Did you meet up with…
