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Feb. 5, 2017
Are you a young, nubile maiden from the country taking your first spin through the city of Athens? Whether you visit the Gods’ temples in the famed Acropolis, go on a shopping spree at the marketplace in the Agora, or just take a calm walk through the city streets, Athens is the place to be. Now, I know all you beautiful ladies are ready to rush out to have the time of your life, but not everything in Athens is perfect! As a prominent Greek city with a wide array of temples dedicated to the Gods, Athens often has deitiesheavenly swinging by on the hunt for a mesmerizing mortal to seduce. In fact, in a survey from 865 BC, nearly 65% of women in Athens have reported being catcalled in by a deity in some way, shape, or form in a survey from 865BC. Here are some tips and tricks to keep your days in Athens harassment-free.
1. Don’t make eye contact with anything. Eye contact is a strong precursor to a catcall, so avoid staring at mysterious men on the street. Or women. Or creatures. Or trees. Or rivers. Or the sky. Or the earth. Your safest bet is to blind yourself, but with some willpower you can keep your eyes eternally closed.
2. Avoid Animals. Gods are prone to approach mortal women in the guise of an animal before trying to hit on them. If you see a bull, eagle, swan, tree, or any other living creature imaginable, prepare yourself for some beastly advances. I think it’s some sort of kink.
3. Bring at least two men with you. Normally one man is enough to ward off potential harassers, but Gods actually enjoy flirting with taken women so their advances may become even stronger. I hear it’s a power dynamic sorta thing.
4. Make yourself ugly. Gods are powerful enough to see through poor dress and makeup, and they may take such actions as an affront and pursue you anyways out of spite. However, if you permanently disfigure yourself, most deities will grow disinterested and leave to find some other fish in the sea. By the way, watch out for fish. They might be a deitiesy too. 5. Come up with a contingency plan in case you meet Aphrodite. If Aphrodite does not believe you are searching for true love, she is liable to make any and every god and mortal catcall you to no end. Thankfully she’s as dumb as a brick, so if you can memorize a couple lines from Heliodorus’ last romance novel you’re in the clear.
6. Keep track of the number of heroes currently active. Almost all great heroes of Greece are born from a God and a mortal, so when the number of heroes hits a slump the Gods are likely to try to use you to replenish the hero supply with you. On the bright side, when heroes roam the lands in excessaccess, you can explore Athens inwith relative safety.
7. Don’t be prophesied on. Gods can sniff out a prophecy from a mile away, and are raring‘ to have kids destined to kill their grandfathers and clear a dungeon.
8. Know when to go with the flow. They’re Gods. Sometimes getting hit on by an ox in the streets is better than becoming a tree for all eternity.
Now, you maidens (and particularly cute men) are ready to safely brave the streets of Athens without being approached by a horny deity. Stay safe, and have fun!
