“We’re showing dominance, which is really important to us as RHs. We possess what the students desire."

When asked if he had ever written a weekly discussion post, Watercrest immediately ran out of the room.

“This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things.”

This comes after a long series of complaints given by recent employers that UChicago students just had “far too many morals”.

Reports have also shown her soliciting 6’8” tall men for “uppies.”

Boyer cited the hundreds of dollars worth of chemicals and the impetus for the university’s decision to finally axe the sequence.

“We were already going to cause awful lunch backups with the Bartlett closure. How much worse could it get?”

Sanderson also shocked attendees by taking home the grand prize of the Cosplay competition.

Three years ago today, admin sent an email entitled “Perspective for Difficult Times” into the university community’s inbox. Granted unprecedented access, we spoke to the people involved in creating the infamous email on…

Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a “state of the art automated weaponry system” installed at the building’s front…