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Millions of Souls Stuck in Limbo as Heaven Undergoes Maintenance
Souls who made their way to the Pearly Gates were greeted by a sign bearing the words “SORRY, CLOSED :( GO 2 LIMBO PLS” in chalk. Beside the sign stood a cardboard cutout…
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Trump Vows War to Last No More than 6 Weeks/5 Minutes/17 Years
“This is gonna be over so fast, you’re not even gonna believe it,” Trump told a gaggle of reporters. “This is gonna be—look, in six weeks, this is gonna be done. History. OK?…
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Trump invokes presidential immunity after 7-Eleven shoplifting incident
“The president must be able to act on behalf of the American people without worrying about some woke, corrupt prosecutor dragging him into court to haggle over the commercial policies of this or…
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Alphabet Ct De to Bdget Crisis
Amidst nprecedented inancial woes acing the English langage, the Alphabet will see three letters eliminated to save money: , , and .
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Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
He described having stumbled upon the document during a recent stroll on the roof of the White House. “It was just sitting there—can you believe that? Sitting right there on that—on that really…
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“Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
“It’s funny you mention Tennessee Williams, because he was actually a contemporary of Seuss,” said Bowles with a slight chuckle.
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White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
“I would never accept one of Jeff’s UGLY bracelets,” Trump wrote on Tuesday. “He was ALWAYS trying to pawn those pieces of CRAP (pardon my language!) off on everybody even though NOBODY WANTED…
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“Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting
“It’s been neat playing around with this whole ‘expanding your capacity to engage critically with challenging ideas’ and ‘deepening your understanding of your role in an ever-changing world’ routine, but it’s time to…
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UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”
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Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
Flangle explained that while it is difficult for the layman to understand exactly why crucifixion is so painful, it has a lot to do with nails being driven into the hands and feet.
