-
Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
He described having stumbled upon the document during a recent stroll on the roof of the White House. “It was just sitting there—can you believe that? Sitting right there on that—on that really…
-
“Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
“It’s funny you mention Tennessee Williams, because he was actually a contemporary of Seuss,” said Bowles with a slight chuckle.
-
White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
“I would never accept one of Jeff’s UGLY bracelets,” Trump wrote on Tuesday. “He was ALWAYS trying to pawn those pieces of CRAP (pardon my language!) off on everybody even though NOBODY WANTED…
-
“Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting
“It’s been neat playing around with this whole ‘expanding your capacity to engage critically with challenging ideas’ and ‘deepening your understanding of your role in an ever-changing world’ routine, but it’s time to…
-
UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”
-
Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
Flangle explained that while it is difficult for the layman to understand exactly why crucifixion is so painful, it has a lot to do with nails being driven into the hands and feet.
-
Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
“Wait, Mitt Romney is a caricature artist?” Yes, and he’s very good.
-
Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You
It seems to me you still have a highly a posteriori frame of mind. But fiat justitia ruat caelum, nevertheless.
-
“Could You Clarify What You Mean by That?” Asks Professor Who Hates You
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…
-
Scientists Admit Smoking Not Actually Bad for You: “We Just Wanted Attention”
"We made it up whole cloth, because we wanted to feel important, and to have people tell us how important we were, and how smart we were at science."
