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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / June 12, 2025

    When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / May 22, 2025

    Flangle explained that while it is difficult for the layman to understand exactly why crucifixion is so painful, it has a lot to do with nails being driven into the hands and feet.

    read more
  • Off-Campus Life

    Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 29, 2025

    “Wait, Mitt Romney is a caricature artist?” Yes, and he’s very good.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 10, 2025

    It seems to me you still have a highly a posteriori frame of mind. But fiat justitia ruat caelum, nevertheless.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Could You Clarify What You Mean by That?” Asks Professor Who Hates You

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / March 29, 2025

    “I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Scientists Admit Smoking Not Actually Bad for You: “We Just Wanted Attention”

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / March 25, 2025

    "We made it up whole cloth, because we wanted to feel important, and to have people tell us how important we were, and how smart we were at science."

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Climate Scientists Urge Public to Stop Eating Ice Caps

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / March 17, 2025

    While acknowledging that it was understandable that so many people were drawn to the crisp, pure, immaculate quality of the ice—“basically like the ice cubes in your freezer times a million”—the scientists warned…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture,  Off-Campus Life

    Five Things to Spend Your Money on Besides Blu-ray Copies of Ghost Rider 2

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / February 16, 2025

    Unfortunately, all those boxes of Blu-ray can fill up your attic shockingly fast.

    read more
  • Politics

    Supreme Court Rules Fourth Amendment Intended Ironically

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / January 16, 2025

    “A careful study of the debates surrounding the drafting of the Fourth Amendment reveals that the Framers of the Constitution wrote that particular provision in a bitingly sardonic mood,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Reg to Throw Out “Old, Gross” Special Collections

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / January 2, 2025

    “Thank God they’re getting rid of all that old stuff,” said Jennifer Gritter, a third-year majoring in history and Classical Studies. “I hate having something so dusty and decrepit on this campus. Good…

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

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