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4 Drawers Your Parents Definitely Shouldn’t Open This Family Weekend
By Zakir Jamal Oct. 17, 2017 4 Drawers Your Parents Definitely Shouldn’t Open This Family Weekend 1. The bottom drawer of your dresser Shit — this is where you keep most of the…
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I Don’t Have to Prove My Non-Celiac Wheat Sensitivity to You Or Anyone Else
By Greer Baxter Aug. 18, 2017 Let me just say right here and now that I’m not taking any crap from anyone on this. No, I don’t have cCeliac disease (there, I said…
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Heartwarming! After This Campus Tour Guide Fell off the Roof of Logan, Her Entire Tour Group Followed Her Anyways!
By Dan Lastres May 15, 2017 Heartwarming! After this Campus tour guide fell off the roof of Logan, her entire tour group followed her anyways!You never know when tragedy is going to strike,…
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Student Asks Mugger If He Takes Venmo
By Nik Varley April 20, 2017 Student Asks Mugger If He Takes Venmo 55th and Maryland – At approximately 8:47 PM, eyewitnesses told the Dealer that student Todd Greenblatt was mugged on his…
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José Quintana Invents Really Fastball
By Ryan Fleishman March 27, 2017 After an intense research and development period involving complex mathematics and squiggly speed lines, famed White Sox All-Star pitcher José Quintana has invented an entirely new baseball…
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Bill Clinton Would Like to Remind Populace He Only Had to Lie Once to Be Put on Trial
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 26, 2017 Bill Clinton Would Like to Remind Populace He Only Had to Lie Once to Be Put on TrialBy Adam LowingerConsidering the recent scandals and controversies surrounding the…
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How To Walk Through Athens Without Getting Catcalled By A Deity
By Ryan Fleishman, 650 BCE Feb. 5, 2017 Are you a young, nubile maiden from the country taking your first spin through the city of Athens? Whether you visit the Gods’ temples in…
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Three Million Participate in Civil War Enactment
By Dan Lastres, Virginia 1865 Jan. 30, 2017 Millions of Americans laid down their weapons and made peace today after four years of enacting the Civil War’s greatest and deadliest battles. Participants flocked…
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Apartment Infested with Mugs
By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 16, 2017 When local undergraduate student Mindy Rankin came home from work last Tuesday evening, she knew something was wrong. “I saw two or three mugs on the living…
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Bruce Wayne’s Wife Annoyed All Bruce Does Is Put “Bat” Before Existing Sex Position
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 When he’s not fighting crime in Gotham City, Batman (known asby Bruce Wayne to the publicas a private citizen), loves to be with his wife in Wayne…
