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Donald Trump Receives a Human Heart: How Will This Change the Election?
By Breck Radulovic Aug. 2, 2016 Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he had received a human heart from a dedicated supporter and Iraq war veteran at Tuesday’s rally in Virginia. Politicos, pundits,…
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Since You’re in the Market for a New Country…
By Daniel Ruttenberg June 25, 2016 Don’t go changing your flag just yet, because we have an offer for you. You’ve got a vacancy, and we want in. That’s right: The Ruttenberg Family…
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White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…
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10 Species That Are Almost Horses
By Ryan Fleishman April 26, 2016 1. Zebras. With their famous black and white stripes, Zebras are essentially angsty, different colored horses. 2. Alpacas. These Peruvian beasts of burden are South America’s horse.…
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Opinion: My Prospie is Trying to Look Like Me, and I’m Scared
By Daniel Ruttenberg April 14, 2016 I really need help here. My prospie, Michael, has beenis slowly changing his appearance to look like me, and this is definitely is not normal. To be…
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Mitt Romney Still Cries Self to Sleep at Night
By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 The 2012 election haunts many of us, but no one more so than former Massachusetts governor Willard Mitt Romney. Tormented by his loss to President Barack…
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Letter to the Editor Re: R.M.S Titanic
By Mildred Prossmith, 1912 Jan. 22, 2016 Dear Esteemed “Chicago Shady Dealer,” I’m writing to you as a concerned citizen who has been repeatedly turned away from The Chicago Tribune and The New…
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Harvard Grades Pop
By Morgan Pantuck, 2031 Jan. 22, 2016 After several decades of substantial inflation, a recent study sponsored by the United States Department of Education (DOE) recently confirmed that the grades at Harvard University…
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New Year, Same You
By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Millions of people celebrated the coming of the New Year across this world this past January, and while many of them made resolutions and set goals of…
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Kasparov Kills Horse
By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 19, 2015 At his presentation at International House on Thursday November 12, many attendees were shocked to see Garry Kasparov slaughter a horse onstage. Moments after his introduction, Kasparov…
