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Tips for Giving Blowjobs with Wooden Teeth
By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 This article is for all the sexy women (and men!) out there with a little wood in their teeth that don’t wanna let that get in…
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Let’s Talk Honestly About Women’s Body Image Issues
By Anna Newport Nov. 17, 2015 Since the brink of modernity, we have made great strides in dealing with women’s body image issues — Spanx, the color black, Retinol cream. But Lladies, can’t…
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Student Grapples With Difficult Plato
By Chris Deakin (340 BC) Jan. 30, 2014 BREAKING – Sources inside the Academy of Athens report that student Leon Petropoulos is currently wrestling with Plato. Petropoulos has reportedly spent all day and…
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US News Ranked Us #3 For a Reason: Here’s How to Pee and Poop at the Same Time
By David North Sept. 24, 2018 This year, in their annual college rankings, U.S. News awarded the University of Chicago a seven-way tie for third-best university. The University of Chicago consistently tops…
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Perfect Holiday Gifts for that One Friend Who Struggles with Object Permanence
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 15, 2016 We all have that one special person in our lives who still gets a kick out of playing peek-a-boo. So this holiday season, let your object-permanence-challenged someone…
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CNN to Model Next Presidential Debate after the Hunger Games
By Zoe Kaiser Oct. 8, 2015 Emboldened by the ratings brought in by the Republican presidential debate, CNN plans to base the next Republican primary debate on the popular Hunger Games books, pitting…
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A Plea for Tolerance
By The Jack Hammer Working on Harper Oct. 20, 2013 TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK TUK…
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Need a Cover Letter Template? The Shady Dealer Has You Covered
By Jack Toole April 20, 2018 Dear Sir or Madam: It is my wish that you gainfully employ me at your institution. My entire life has been filled with a deep and abiding…
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Quiz: Donald Trump Quote or Nickelback Lyric?
By Shira Eisenberg Oct. 10, 2016 Donald Trump Quote or Nickelback LyricSupporters of both problematic blonds are afraid to go public. by Shira Eisenberg 1. Let’s start off with an easy one: “When…
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None of Us Have Ever Had Sex
By Editorial Bored April 23, 2015 Okay, you got us! There’s no use hiding it, so you might as well know. What gave it away? Was it that headline up there? Well, you…
