Aug. 22, 2017
It’s the moment every girl dreamed of since they were young: Sorority Recruitment at the University of Chicago! The moment when young co-eds have the chance to join the most rarefied Panhellenic organizations in America. It’s likely that your parents, grandparents, and even great grandparents were UChicago Greeks. And now it’s your chance to join this nearly 400 year old Maroon legacy.
But which one will you be sorted into? Will you be a DG like Philip Glass? A Theta like Bernie Sanders? A Pi Phi like Milton Friedman? Or even a AOII like David Axelrod? The sorority you’re in determines your DESTINY for the rest of your life, so follow this guide carefully to ensure you get your perfect match.
DO: Introduce yourself to everyone you meet.
DON’T: Repeatedly scream “Y’ALL ALREADY KNOW WHO IT IS.”
DO: Wear cute clothing like a romper or sundress.
DON’T: Wear too much cute clothing at once, like a romper AND a sundress.
DO: Talk to the Rho Gammas about which sorority may be right for you.
DON’T: Talk to the Rho Gammas about whether Gardasil may right for you.
DO: Talk about any travel you’ve done.
DON’T: Talk about the one time you accidentally trafficked cocaine into the United States, Jenny, that’s totally inappropriate and in violation of the nondisclosure agreement you signed.
DON’T: Sneeze. If you sneeze, you are automatically eliminated.
DO: Share your interests, like playing the guitar or volunteering at a children’s hospital.
DON’T: Share your medical history, including that one time you got mono from cute but douchey Josh in your English class, Jenny. Gross. Wrong time, wrong place.
DO: Talk about what you did over the summer.
DON’T: Tell everyone you’re “cool for the summer” while rubbing their upper thigh.
DO: Keep an open mind.
DON’T: Keep an open wound.
DO: Explain your career aspirations.
DON’T: Tell everyone you’ll do WHATEVER it takes to get to the top, while simultaneously pushing the other pledges on the floor and standing on top of them.
DO: Be attentive and maintain eye contact with the people you’re talking to.
DON’T: Maintain eye contact so intensely that the nice third year swimmer you’re talking to starts inexplicably crying and asking if you’re God.
DO: Talk about the classes you are in.
DON’T: Mention you’re in Honors Analysis. Ever.
DO: Be friendly to the other girls.
DON’T: Pee on other girls to establish your dominance, Jenny.
DO: Ask questions to gain more information about each sorority.
DON’T: Pee on each sorority as part of your litmus test, Jenny. We shouldn’t have to say this twice.
DO: Stay informed about the history and philanthropies of the sororities you’re interested in.
DON’T: Stalk sisters on Instagram long enough to know their dad’s salary, mom’s maiden name, the number of goals they scored on their high school varsity soccer team, and the hometown of the boy they hooked up with in Cabo during Spring Break 2015. Knowing most of these details from social media research is okay, but don’t know ALL of them.
DO: Be yourself.
DON’T: Be Jenny. After last year, she doesn’t stand a chance.