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There Are Missiles 90 Miles off the Shore of the US and Honestly I’m Kind of Turned On
By President John F. Kennedy, Washington DC 1962 Feb. 6, 2017 Today, our planet sits onat the verge of global nuclear meltdown. The USSR has placed an unknown number of warheads on the…
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President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends
By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 President Trump Holds Press Conference To Read List of Black Friends In the wake of a turbulent and unnerving transition of power, the newly-elected President Donald Trump…
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Six Best Sexual Positions On The Israeli Palestine Conflict
By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 17, 2017 1. The Double-State Solution This steamy sexual solution towards one of the greatest geopolitical conflicts of our time has two states pumping at once. While getting a…
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Silver Lining: She Might Not Be President, But Hillary Clinton Is Our New IOP Fellow!
By Chase Harrison and Milena Pross Dec. 3, 2016 The Institute of Politics announced that former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will be a fellow in residence this winter. Clinton will host a series…
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Ho Ho Ho! Why is my House Getting Closer to the Water Every Year?
By Nico Aldape Nov. 15, 2016 Merry Christmas to all, and a Happy New Year! I know it’s not December 25th yet, but whenever I watch TV, all I see are commercial depictions…
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Introducing the New Culturally-Neutral Holiday Everyone’s Talking About: Fistmas
By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 It’s almost the most wonderful time of the year again! And that means it’s time to start thinking about gifts for the important people in your life.…
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Handy Rationalizations for Not Filling Out a Work Order
By Jack Toole Oct. 13, 2016 Winter, the season of indiscriminate central heating, is almost upon us. A stuck window can make this unfortunate period immeasurably worse, heating your room to within a…
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First Year Drops All Four Classes In Order To Focus On Student Council
By Hakim Lahlou Oct. 9, 2016 In a shocking turn of events, a prospective Student Council member had to be forcibly removed from the UChicago campus, after accidentally dropping out of school. The…
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Top Five Reasons to Sleep with Me
By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 I want to first preface this with the fact that there are many more reasons to sleep with me. These are just the top. I can last…
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Fuckboy Quits Scav After Failing to Find Clitoris
By Jacob Johnson May 14, 2016 After four long days of searching high and low for every item on the Sscav Hunt list (no matter how bizarre), local fuckboyi Ryan “Swag” Firmanratman was…
