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News in Brief: November 20, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 20, 2014 Commander of UChicago Electronic Army to Undergo Micropenis Correction Surgery Sources confirm that the anonymous commander of the UChicago Electronic Army is preparing to undergo a…
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Using Local Resources, Peer Health Exchange Begins Educational Programs for UChicago Students
By Jeremy Wilson Nov. 10, 2012 Peer Health Exchange (PHE) recently expanded their mission from promoting safe sex practices in the surrounding community to helping UChicago students understand how to have sex. In…
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Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of Blood
By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of BloodBy Thomas Noriega In an unexpected turn, only one trio of students announced their candidacy for the Executive Slate…
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Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow: “I am Not a Crook!”
By Breck Radulovic, 1871 Jan. 22, 2016 To the Editor: Recent accusations of arson against me have deeply troubled my conscience, and I am writing from the confines of Cook County jail to…
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Ask Disastrously Misapplied Nietszche
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 Dear Disastrously Misapplied Nietzsche, My boyfriend won’t stop emailing with his ex. He told me that he’d stopped talking to her, but I logged on to his…
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Sexually Repressed First-Years Upset Over Record Low Numbers of “Turkey Drop” Break-Ups
By Marc Whyte Nov. 25, 2018 Every year, thousands of newly-seasoned college freshmen are supposed to return home for Thanksgiving to reunite with their high school friends, share their college stories with family,…
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High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To Secede
By Reed Thurston Feb. 1, 2017 High School Student Robert E. Lee Voted Most Likely To SecedeFAUQUIER COUNTY, VA — In a landslide victory at Virginia’s Eastern View High School, local student Robert…
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Desperate Jeb Bush Adds Second Exclamation Mark to Logo
By Chase Harrison and Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 12, 2015 At a rally in Sioux City, Iowa, a weary and obviously desperate Jeb Bush unveiled “Jeb!!” as his newest campaign logo. “It’s so fun,…
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Royal Academy of Arts Vienna Lowers Admissions Standards
By Isaac Krone (1947) Jan. 24, 2014 For nearly two hundred and fifty years, since our founding in 1698, it has been our goal to provide the greatest art education in the world…
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Trump Nominates Unborn Fetus to Supreme Court
By Zachary Spitz July 3, 2018 President Trump announced his choice to replace retiring Justice Anthony Kennedy: a twelve-week-old fetus. By nominating the fetus, Mr. Trump opted to look beyond his publicized…
