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Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestinian Students Agree on Two Campus Solution
By Chase Harrison May 13, 2016 Citing “irreconcilable differences,” Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestinian groups on campus have agreed to split the campus territory between each other. In a rare joint statement, leaders of the…
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Portland Trailblazers Trade $2 Million To Los Angeles Clippers For $3 Million
By Cub Reporter Jacob Levin Jan. 14, 2015 The NBA recently approved a trade between the Portland Trailblazers and the Los Angeles Clippers in which the Trailblazers will give $2 million to the…
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Population of Canada composed solely of dissatisfied Americans
By James Ekstrom Jan. 7, 2013 Anthropologists and political scientists the world over were shocked, this past week, to discover that the population of Canada consists solely of American expatriates. Overturning previous assumptions…
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Disappointing Dollar Shake Shatters First Year
By By Thomas Noriega Aug. 17, 2017 As everyone on campus knows, students can get milkshakes in Reynolds Club for a dollar every Wednesday. Newly-minted first year Daniella Heinz had heard all about…
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Opinion: My Prospie is Trying to Look Like Me, and I’m Scared
By Daniel Ruttenberg April 14, 2016 I really need help here. My prospie, Michael, has beenis slowly changing his appearance to look like me, and this is definitely is not normal. To be…
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10 Signs You’re Being Hit On
By Willamina Groething Nov. 16, 2014 1. You keep bumping into each other, and it’s feeling more and more deliberate on her part. 2. It’s as though the wind’s knocked out of you…
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Apple sues Pythagoras, claims triangle is half iPhone
By Mark Boykin Oct. 22, 2012 In another highly publicized litigious maneuver for the Cupertino-based tech firm, Apple has filed suit against Greek mathematician and philosopher Pythagoras for copyright infringement, claiming that Pythagoras…
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Scientists 99% Certain That Our Universe is Just Someone’s D&D Campaign
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Cambridge, M.A.Following recent political developments in the political sphere, astrophysicists at MIT have re-calibrated the massive LIGO gravitational wave interferometer to detect the possible intervention of an…
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Am I a Homicidal Megalomaniac or A New Messiah?
By Nikolai Alodopolous, 200 CE Jan. 18, 2016 Are you a God yourself or just a messenger for your God? 1. The god, totally. Or maybe both, kind of like Jesus. 2. Don’t…
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American Hero Remembers to Use Correct Pronouns
By Mary Vansuch April 20, 2014 University of Chicago freshmen was bestowed a MacArthur Award last Monday for accomplishing a truly extraordinary task: using his friend Alex’s preferred gender pronoun, “they.” When…
