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DC & NYC to Restrict Immigration of Public Policy Majors
By Nico Aldape Dec. 5, 2018 “Y’all young, broke twenty-somethings are coming into our town and stealing the jobs from all us older broke twenty-somethings,” said District of Columbia resident Sydney Pulisic. “Fuck all of you.” Pulisic…
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Security Alert and Other Musings
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 2, 2018 Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world…
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Dairy Section at HPP in Strange Transition Between Pumpkin Spice Eggnog and Regular Eggnog
By Nico Aldape Oct. 26, 2018 Much like the weather alternating between highs of 70s and 40s each day, or my sleep schedule, the dairy section at seminal food market Hyde Park Produce…
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Dear Dealer: How Do I Handle my Podcast-Crazy Roomie?
By Dirk Lazenby Sept. 24, 2018 Dear Shady Dealer, During some routine Facebook stalking I discovered that my soon-to-be-roommate is a podcast fanatic. I don’t want to be rude or close-minded, but…
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Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we’re hoping you just…
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A Letter from the Vice Provost on Manifest Destiny: “To the Maroons of the Future”
By Killian Makepeace Warburton May 5, 2018 Chicago, 1895 The Shady Dealer staff was digging up the foundations of Cobb for no particular reason, and discovered a small metal capsule containing a letter…
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Paul Ryan Resigns: Plans to “Spend More Time Silently Staring at the Wall While Hugging His Knees”
By Nik Varley April 20, 2018 Speaker of the House Paul Ryan surprised Washington this week by announcing that he will not seek re-election in the upcoming midterms. The speaker is reportedly giving…
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Campus Blue Lights form Union
By Jalen Jiang Feb. 20, 2018 A contingent of campus-wide emergency phones voted in favor of forming a union, with 192 of the inanimate steel posts casting ‘YES’ votes over 95 ‘NO’…
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Ask Student Health!
By Student Health Services and Student Counseling Services Jan. 30, 2018 Introducing “Ask Student Health!,” a weekly feature wherein UChicago’s very own physicians and counselors answer your health and wellness questions! After your…
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5 Fall Activities That Will Give You a UTI
By Ella Hester Oct. 17, 2017 The air is crisp, the leaves are falling, and you are definitely going to get a UTI. Urinary tract infections are incredibly common for people of…
