By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 12, 2015 I’ve let this go on for long enough, Pat. I know you’re just jacking off in your room. I’m not buying the “sexile” routine again. You really…

By Terry Hines (32 A.D.) Jan. 24, 2014 Our holy father was spotted turning the other cheek yesterday – for Judas to plant another sloppy kiss on him! Lately, rumors of Jesus’ sexuality…

By The News Desk June 18, 2018 Happy Father’s Day! Forgot to get your dad a Father’s Day gift? Forgot that Father’s Day was yesterday? Well, if you’re a shitty child, the Chicago…

By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 14, 2016 In a stunning announcement earlier this week, US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a New Technology Application for the controversial “Fuckboy Cones” patented by Merck &…

By Milena Pross Aug. 9, 2015 The university prides itself on its unique housing system. With thirty-eight houses and eleven dormitories, the places where students live vary in appearance, cleanliness, and distance from…

By Walker King Oct. 18, 2013 A high profile murder investigation took another turn as controversial University of Chicago Admissions Officer Ryan Sterling was reportedly asked to turn in his badge and gun…

By Nik Varley Feb. 20, 2018 Justin Timberlake In 1804, Lewis and Clark set forth on an incredible journey to explore the uncharted wilderness of the American Frontier. It is in the spirit…

By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck Sept. 7, 2016 By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck 1. When he invited you over to look at his sheets. Unfortunately, those weren’t 400-thread-count Egyptian cotton, but…

By Evan Bernstein April 23, 2015 20 Ways to Please Your Man These twenty tips are sure to spice things up in the bedroom, shower, or empty train car! 1. Touch it Touching…

By Robin Ye April 23, 2013 2013-2014 Essay Questions: ESSAY OPTION 1 There are many things people DGAF about. Write a passionate essay on something you don’t give a fuck about. Inspired by…