Applications Open for Admissions Office’s “Spontaneous University Compliment Squad”
Do you love UChicago? Do you want the chance to show it off to campus tour groups–without all the hassle of becoming a tour guide? The admissions office may have just the position for you. This week, Dean of Admissions Jim Nondorf announced that he is opening applications for the “Spontaneous University Compliment Squad” (SUCS, pronounced “sucks”) because “the students here always seem to be having such impassioned conversations that I assume are about how much they love the University and how everything in their lives is perfect, so why not share those insights with prospective students?”
According to an early version of the application, students selected for SUCS will download an app that allows tour guides to call groups of them to certain locations at a moment’s notice, where they will hold a seemingly impromptu discussion about how much they love UChicago. The application also includes a sample conversation between two SUCS members. Potential members are encouraged to make sure they can read the whole conversation aloud with a completely straight face:
Student 1: Hey [Student 2]! Isn’t it just such a lovely, sunny day outside of the Reg, that Brutalist beauty where I sing for joy while doing my calculus homework?
Student 2: Calculus? I love calculus! I love it so much that I cry outside of Eckhart for it!
Student 1 [checks the time]: Oh, drat! I’ve got to go meet with Barack Obama and Carl Sagan over a plate of perfectly seasoned dining hall food, but it was lovely chatting with you, my friend, chum, and intellectual partner!
Student 2: I’ll see you later after I finish dusting the University’s 101 Nobel Prizes! [Bids farewell in ancient Akkadian.]
The application further notes that students hoping to be selected for SUCS should wear at least 3 UChicago-branded clothing items at all times and be both knowledgeable about the University and proficient in exaggerating, hyperbolizing, truth-stretching, and, in extreme cases, outright fibbing. Applications are accepted on a rolling basis.
