Shady Dealer Discovers The Lair

2:31 AM, the day after Halloween–A daring team of Shady Dealer reporters has finally discovered it: The Lair. Deep below the steam tunnels in Rosenwald Hall, they find where Dean of Admissions Jim Nondorf stores his contraband and concocts his plots. Among his collection  are thousands of random pieces of UChicago clothing. Could Nondorf’s monopoly on UChicago merch be the reason it’s so unbelievably expensive? Our reporters didn’t know, but they ventured further.
But first, our grizzled reporters took a quick boba break, because somehow a shop is still open. Then they made once again the dangerous trek through the steam vent down a flight of seven entire stairs, ready to discover more. In the next room, a blackened Northwestern flag sagged from one wall; on the other, a noir-style pinboard covered in random words linked together with maroon yarn–could this be how the Uncommon Essay prompts are crafted?
Next, our reporters took a brief six-hour study break. Once they returned, they made a terrifying discovery: Stacked in a warehouse-sized room located somewhere hundreds of inches below Harper Memorial Library, millions of random UChicago postcards sat waiting to be mailed. But before they could report more, they heard a voice behind them: “Oh, are you interested in our liberal arts college within a research universi–”
At this point, we lost all contact with our reporters. We have not heard from them since. May they deal shadily in peace.