Student Tour Guide Fired for Just Making Shit Up About Gargoyles

HYDE PARK, IL – Student tour guide Timmy Myers has been fired from his job giving campus tours at the University of Chicago after the administration learned he had just been making shit up about gargoyles. 

One tour survivor told The Dealer that Myers had claimed that the gargoyles were founding members of the University. Supposedly, they had previously been part of the school’s senior leadership and “spent most of their time looking down on undergraduates, a role they retain to this day.”

In an exclusive interview, Myers told The Dealer, “I got tired of walking backwards, wildly gesticulating, explaining that I personally picked this school because my dad went here, and telling prospective students that I’m also from New York.” He admitted to spreading misinformation but questioned, “why would I be involved in marketing if I can’t just make shit up?” 

When we asked the University of Chicago how they planned to keep up with the demand for tours following staff cuts, a representative from the school sent us a link to Google Maps and claimed, “the internet was literally invented for this purpose. If you can’t figure it out, then maybe this school isn’t for you.” 

Myers concluded that, “the gargoyles would back me if they could talk.” The gargoyles could not be reached for comment.