Reg to Throw Out “Old, Gross” Special Collections
University Librarian Torsten Reimer announced on Monday that the Regenstein Library would begin to throw out the “old, gross” contents of the Hanna Holborn Gray Special Collections Research Center.
At a press conference, Reimer explained that the decision reflected the collective feeling among staff that it was no longer in the best interests of the library to maintain a huge stash of priceless books, papers, and artifacts – especially ones no one really wanted to read or look at anyway. “Look, sometimes you just gotta clean house,” Reimer said. “Think of it this way: if you had a bunch of dead rats in your basement, would you leave them sitting there, rotting, stinking up a damn storm, or would you throw them out and flood the place with air fresheners? That’s what this is, for us, only our basement is the Reg and the dead rats are the oldest books you’ve ever seen in your life. No thanks.”
Library staff had initially hoped to find a new home for the rare books and manuscripts, but, having failed to find anyone interested in taking a single item from the collections, they now plan on tossing everything on a bonfire outside Bartlett Dining Commons. “The smoke’ll be a bitch but we gotta put this stuff somewhere,” explained interim Special Collections director Catherine Uecker.
Students who agreed to speak with the Dealer expressed relief that something was finally being done about the junk cluttering the library’s shelves. “Thank God they’re getting rid of all that old stuff,” said Jennifer Gritter, a third-year majoring in history and Classical Studies. “I hate having something so dusty and decrepit on this campus. Good riddance!”
“Get that shit outta here!” said Brian Breagle, a fourth-year majoring in Fundamentals: Issues and Texts. “You heard me, get it the hell outta here!”
At press time, University officials were considering other possible candidates for disposal, such as the noisy bells in Rockefeller Chapel or the weird blobby-looking statue outside Max Palevsky West.
Griffin is the deputy managing editor for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
