UChicago Announces $200 Million “Free Expression+” Tier

Despite the recent $100 million donation to promote freedom of expression at the University of Chicago, the University still faces critical budget shortfalls. President Paul Alivisatos stated, “With great capital comes great freedom, and we ain’t got enough just yet. As such, we are proud to announce that we are now offering the new, $200 million Free Expression+ tier, and it’s gonna be fuckin’ amazing. It’s gonna be the best trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever.”

As an initiative for the program, participants will be allowed the opportunity to say racial —and non-racial—slurs, gain discounted access to frats, and receive exclusive entry extra SOSC class as part of the Free Expression+ Core. According to our latest reports, subscribers to this tier will also enjoy the freedom to declare that they are Bizcon majors without any repercussions.

With all this change, questions have risen about what will happen to the initial $100 million tier.

“How will I look rich?” asked 2nd year Kieth Melbourne, who flies home every other weekend, “I need a way to impress the other econ bros.” 

Students still using the $100 million Free Expression tier should expect to face ad breaks during classes. Moreover, students on this tier will be required to go over three more SOSC courses as part of their curriculum. These students are also liable to be sued for criticizing the University’s policy making decisions as included in the terms and conditions.