New Website Offers Bookings for North Apartments 15 Years in Advance!
On Tuesday, second-year bizcon students Bryan Johnson and Ryan Johnston launched their new website Futurismo, an advance booking system for apartments in Campus North. After last year’s regrettable incident in which five upperclassmen were killed in pistol duels at dawn over the last available North apartment, the young men saw an amazing opportunity.
“We found a gap in the market and bullied a comp sci student into building us a website so we could exploit it,” said Johnston. Two weeks later, Futurismo was up and running, well in advance of the upcoming housing lottery. With a price inflation of only 2000% on the usual housing fees, it’s truly a steal. Johnston refused to comment on how much of that price inflation would be taken for profit.
“We expect a huge boom of initial users,” said Johnson. “And we’ve even included an AI therapy chatbot trained in de-escalation to quell the violence that will inevitably break out.” The chatbot was only trained on episodes of Real Housewives, yet Johnson is hopeful that it has learned enough about peaceful problem-solving to prevent further bloodshed.
Currently, the website can accommodate a fifteen-year waitlist, but Johnston hopes to increase it to 200 years “once we learn to count that high.” Currently, they have no plans of expanding Futurismo to include any other dorms.
Lydia Osborn
As a kid, I wanted to be a professional complainer when I grew up. At the wise old age of 19, cynical and disabused of all dreams, I figured joining a satire magazine was the closest I’d ever come. So I tried to join The Onion, but that didn’t work, so here I am. My interests include good writing, bad writing, and sushi.
