Five Code Words Your Teen is Using to Talk About Bootlegging

Bootlegging: it’s no joke. Every day, thousands of Americans risk not only criminal charges but their eternal souls by taking part in the unlawful production and distribution of alcohol. But what many parents don’t realize is that their own children are often involved in this illegal enterprise. Yes, your little Harold and Dorothy may be trafficking moonshine under your nose right this very minute. How do they get away with such a nefarious scheme? By using code words. Here are five phrases and abbreviations teenagers today are using to discuss their bootlegging activities.

DTL (Down to ‘Leg)

This one is self-explanatory. Today’s juvenile delinquent is too lazy to say the full word “bootleg,” or even allude to it in their abbreviations. Maybe if they spent less time watching Steamboat Willie and more time praying to Jesus Christ they’d have more respect for the English language.

The Devil’s Coca-Cola

Many parents are shocked when they learn that The Devil’s Coca-Cola is not, in fact, a new kind of soft drink but another term for moonshine. Not only are your kids getting drunk, they’re missing out on the energy boost from a healthy dose of cocaine.

F18 (F*** 18)

The F here is short for that most shockingly colorful of expletives, which I dare not reproduce in print. This pithy abbreviation is an expression of contempt for the 18th Amendment and a kind of rallying cry for those defying its restrictions. They can moan all they want to, but good luck convincing 36 states to repeal the amendment they overwhelmingly approved just a decade ago.

LMAO (Let’s Make Alcohol Outside)

There’s a certain kind of bootlegger who scorns the use of the bathtub for brewing their product — they prefer instead to do it in the great outdoors, particularly in the woods. There’s a big trend among teenage reprobates which consists of making moonshine near railroad crossings — this is known as “getting crossed.” It’s nice to know they’re at least getting fresh air, but they may not find the air so fresh in the state penitentiary.

Uncle Steve

Uncle Steve is a seventy-eight year old man from Akron, Ohio who helps up and coming bootleggers. He rides a horse named Lugubrious Daffodil from town to town offering useful tips to local youths and handing out free samples of his home brew. By some estimates he is on a first name basis with approximately 16,000 American teens. Uncle Steve is without a doubt one of the greatest promoters of moral degradation in the entire Western Hemisphere. According to our undercover sources, he’s a surprisingly attractive guy.