How to Read Chicago Shady Dealer Headlines Like a Horoscope

Here at the Dealer, we pride ourselves on our breadth and quality of writers – each with their own mysterious reasons to write for us. We keep their identities secret lest they actually desire employment from a real-life company after graduating. So I’m here to offer you something way better than just a bunch of names – a window into their souls based on their headlines.

Something, Something, Super Specific Grievance With a Real Thing Which I’m Making Funny

Yeah, so, this definitely happened to the writer. They definitely thought about this one specific problem in their lives for at least two weeks before they brought it up at a pitch meeting and then the week that they wrote it. Maybe the UChicago bureaucracy stopped them from building a zipline from Harper to Logan, a quad squirrel looked at them with their father’s eyes, or maybe they’re just tired of being really fucking tired.

Dean Boyer Rides a Bicycle/Frats and Econ Bros Are Bad

An oldie but a goodie. This writer has either been around the block a few times or is a new writer just getting their footing.I wish I had a joke, but hey, I don’t and that’s why my next article is frat bros making noise complaints about Dean Boyer’s bicycle bell. 

Well This Is Just Really Fucking Weird

You do not want to know what the writer of the article  dreamt last night. Don’t ask questions, just appreciate the fact that their imagination goes places which begets loads of questions about their mental state. Why did they imagine their HUM professor as a pile of deer parts? We have no idea and are, frankly, just along for the ride.

Reference to Nietzsche, Plato, Hobbes, etc.

This writer just finished their SOSC core reading for the week, and they’re absolutely stoked that they finally can be a part of all of the philosophy jokes people make. It doesn’t matter if the jokes don’t make sense to you — they probably don’t make sense to the professor either. Just smile and read the piece knowing that you are reading the writing of someone who finally feels like they are a part of campus.

Super Edgy, but It’s OK Because I’m Writing Satire

RED FLAG. This person watched way too much Louis CK, Neal Brennan, Bill Burr, you know the type, and now feels like the king of comedy. It’s always a man with a decently large ego, and, as a result, he might have even used his real name to publish. We try not to publish these articles, but sometimes things slip through the cracks. Knowing UChicago, this guy will grow up to become a senator or something.