I’m 40, I Teach Here, and I Just Messaged You on Tinder

Hey! You might remember me as your friend’s French 202 professor who wears a scarf to every lecture. But French isn’t the only romance language that I specialize in. I also solicit sex from undergrads on dating apps. 

Not ringing a bell? Okay, how about this — I didn’t put my job in my bio because I didn’t want to scare you off, but I absolutely swiped right on you because your bio has UChicago in it. The last time I dated someone even remotely close to my age was during the Bush Administration, and that was one of my grad students. I’ve got the whole “abuse of power” thing going on, and I’m convinced that it’s sexy. 

You’d think that maybe after a lifetime of trying to wrangle barely legal brats, I would get tired of students and move on to people old enough to have job titles other than “Mansueto family intern” or “O-aide”. But here’s the thing: I set my Tinder parameters to ages 18-22 and within 2 miles of the quad on purpose. You’re a nubile, innocent fly and I’m a gaping Venus Flytrap waiting to strike.

So how about it? Wanna give me a shot? If the age gap ever feels weird, just pretend I’m 25 like I said I was when we first matched. What’s more, I can’t actually be twice your age, because I haven’t taken math since you were born, and I’m a little rusty now. Just keep in mind that if you ever end up in one of my classes, I’ll pretend that you don’t exist, but I’ll still probably try to get with your friends.