The Shady Dealer Interviews the Thrive Slate

Two weeks after the Student Government election, we sat down with Parul Kumar (PK) and Natalie Wang (NW) of the Thrive slate to determine if they were worthy of our endorsement. The following interview has been condensed for clarity.

Is it true that you get a $5 discount on tuition for being on slate?

NW: Bold of you to assume that tuition applies to us.

Statues on the Midway — fuck, marry, kill.

NW: I think I would marry the statues, because it’d be cool to have a statue army. We could hire them to work on the bylaws.

PK: I actually think we should replace the statues with admin, kind of like those statue exhibits where they paint people silver on the street, and when children come near they start dancing.

Rate the Shady Dealer, Midway Ventures, Eckhart Consulting, and the Blue Chips on which is most likely to start a nationwide recession.

PK: I actually hope that SG can lead on this and start the next recession. In my opinion, the best media actually came out of the 2008-2009 recession — and by that I mean Glee. And as the first Gleek to be SG president, I will do anything to bring that show back. If that means starting a second recession, so be it.

Some have called for the abolition of SG. Theoretically, what would you replace SG with and why? Your options are a bouncy castle, a water slide, and a field of angry squirrels.

PK: The angry squirrels, because some feet need to get bitten around here. 

NW: Everyone knows that one of the biggest problems on campus is the loose tiles on the quad and the way you get splashed when you step on them. So if we replaced the quad with bouncy castles — so it’s just all one big bouncy castle — it won’t happen anymore.

Your main job as slate is to be left on read by the administration. Can you describe a formative experience where you were left on read?

NW: You know, I’ve kind of been left on read emotionally for my whole life, and that’s the root of a lot of my problems.

PK: I think that we need to move beyond being left on read and unite this campus together.

What do you think about UChicago’s new study abroad program at the DePaul Campus?

NW: It’s good to broaden your horizons. It’s kind of like trying different wines — you just want to make sure that you’re really experiencing the full catalog of what life has to offer.

PK: Sniff and lick, baby. That’s what happens with wine, right? Give it a little sniff, a little lick? [Sound of wine glasses clinking]. This is a 21+ interview.

Parul, you are a self-proclaimed “I-House girly.” What was your favorite part of working at the International House of Pancakes?

PK: Oh, man. Well, I can’t say much about the pancakes, because there were none and I was duped, but my favorite I-House experience other than the long walks it took to get there — with a tinder match sometimes — very romantic… (Editor’s note: Parul has requested that the Dealer clarify she is currently single.) Once I went up to the tower, and I saw a cup, and in it crawled a little cockroach, and behind that cup was a sign that said “don’t kill him, he’s my pet.”

Natalie, as a Student Government official, you’re an important role model on campus. So are you finally going to end your torrid love affair with Phil the Phoenix?

NW: You know, I can’t confirm or deny whether or not that happened. Phil’s a great guy. I think we would all agree on that. And I think what’s more important is… hot dog.

PK: To add to that, all I have to say is what happens in Cobb Cafe stays in Cobb Cafe.

How do you plan to respond to recent news that Northwestern is increasing the size of their nuclear arsenal?

PK: Good for them!

Spell “Armand Paul Alivisatos.” 

NW: I don’t speak English. I thought that I should bring that up at some point during the interview.

What will you do to make Paul Alivisatos answer our emails?

NW: I’m just gonna say “person who says what has to reply to their emails,” and he’s gonna say “what?” and then he’s gonna have to do it.

You claim to be slate, but you’re clearly igneous rock. What do you have to say for yourselves?

PK: I never learned the rock cycle. I haven’t taken my PhySci yet.

Is it true that you plan to pay yourselves $400/hour for SG work?

NW: Only $400?

PK: I actually forfeited my salary in exchange for $1 milkshakes. Only one, though. Money well spent.

NW: There’s no price you can put on an experience like that.

Can either of you quote the entirety of p. 93 of Doing Honest Work in College from memory?

PK: That would imply that I could read, and that wouldn’t be very honest of me.

As you know, every 50 years, slate is obligated to present a blood tithe to the Old Gods. So who’s it gonna be this year?

[Redacted at interviewee’s request]: I’m on my period.

[Other interviewee]: So you’re sacrificing yourself?!

Well, that’s all the questions I have. Thank you so much for coming! Before you leave, I want to present you with official SG portraits, sent to us by Dean Boyer.

NW: Yes!!

PK: I knew he was riding on that bike for something. Wait, did he misspell his name?

It’s hard to spell. Most people don’t realize he’s four because he looks so old.

NW: I hope that sometime, we can take our relationship to the next stage and do macaroni necklaces.

PK: I thought you were going to say the macarena.

Is that going to be the next step of your outreach to admin? Macaroni necklaces, arts and crafts?

PK: I think the first step should be the cupid shuffle. Nothing gets everyone up and moving like the cupid shuffle.

Will you be dancing with Rasmussen first, or Ka Yee Lee?

PK: I think we should all dance together, like in Midsommar.

NW: Yeah, all around the quad.

They die in Midsommar from dancing too much.

NW: No comment.

——

After extensive deliberation, the Shady Dealer editorial board — consisting of our masthead and a mouse in the cupboard of the Ida Noyes basement — has decided not to endorse the Thrive slate due to Parul still owing us 40 bucks.

We encourage you to vote for the Abstain slate on April 20th. Please note that the Dealer does not offer time machine rentals.